A New Set of Lenses

I learned something about myself.  I’m not who I kept imagining myself to be.  I should have realized it, but I didn’t. I kept holding up some really blurry picture of what this life of mine should look like.  I’d turn myself this way and that.  I’d try on the costumes.  I’d scrunch up my face and squint.  It didn’t matter what I tried, the picture never came into focus and it never fit.  It was like one of those dress up booths where you put on period costumes and get photographed in black-and-white.  It was a really cheep imitation of reality!

What’s worse is that striving for an imitative rather than an authentic reality sucked!  Not only could I never see it clearly, but it didn’t fit.  It was either way to big or way to tight.  I was either lost or exposed.  Sometimes I was both. But even though its taken me a while, I have learned something…finally!

For me, I get excited about the DO.  More specifically, I get excited about the start-up, the creation.  It is the frustrating and challenging part, but that’s where my fire lies.  Just thinking about it to write about it, I can feel that surge of adrenaline in my veins.

The things that I kept trying on that don’t work for me are: satisfaction in the “job well done”, checking off the boxes, making it easy, … freaking routine! OMG! – thinking of these things I just want to shoot myself.  Yes, there is some numb satisfaction that I accomplish through busy work, but it’s really just that….numb satisfaction.  It is nowhere near anything that gives me energy.

All these years, I’ve been beating myself up over this.  I start something.  I get excited. I work to make it routine.  I get bored.  Or worse yet, I get bored before it even gets to the point of routine.  There are some routines or traditions that I like, or have liked…like Thanksgiving.  But lately, that’s been getting old.  It’s fine, but its stale.  So realizing this, how can I change it up? Hmmm.  I’m not sure but I think that I’ve do something to make Christmas fun!!

What mask are you trying to wear that has never really felt right on?  Is it a part of your life or the overall life you are trying to live?  If it’s not working, why not examine why?  Trust me, it isn’t you.  You aren’t the thing that is defective.  I think that like me, you were just trying to look at things through the wrong set of lenses.