Day 6 (7WJ) – Misguided Intentions

by BarbPosted on May 28, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I was REALLY tempted to skip writing tonight because looking back at my day I wasn’t overly impressed by what occurred. But while it was a day like most days, I had a few successes.

I walked/ran 3 miles again.  That’s 13 days out the past 15.  Yay me!  But my foot feels bruised so I hear the bike in my future tomorrow.

I also participated in one of the kick-off’s for my grant.  It is exciting to be able to do something different, that can make a difference for children.  But then I wonder, how much freedom do we really have?  I’ll leave that for another day but we  got a few ah’s and it went over well.  Actually, any time you can pay teachers for their time to do something extra, they really appreciate it!

In the middle of the day, I represented the college at a luncheon.  It was an effort to connect the leadership of the university with that of the county.  It was well done and fairly well attended.  Wait, I guess.  It was clear that no one wanted to look like they were being too extravagant.  Buffet and plastic cutlery.  But the food wasn’t bad….I’ve had far worse in much fancier surroundings.

During the meet and greet portion of the event, I met a local developer.  He talked about the huge buildings he is developing and how he plans to spend the next few months escaping the summer heat.  He also told about the VERY successful golf tournament he just hosted for the purpose of, well, here’s where I’m kind of lost.  He was either wanting to help the homeless or clean up the city of them.  Frankly, I think it was the latter.  He laid out his plan.  That within a particular boundaried area, they would offer them free food, and then they would collect them up and take them to facilities outside the area.  He said that this would continue and each night there would be fewer and fewer homeless who would show up.  This, in his opinion, was the answer and the success of the tournament was proof that everyone was on board.

I wanted to commend him for his good intentions, but I couldn’t.  And as he moved on to get to know others, I turned to a colleague who was equally puzzled.  You can’t solve a problem by relocating it elsewhere!  He didn’t care about the problem, he just didn’t want it around him, in his high-priced area.

Recalling the event, I am even more stunned than I was when it was occurring.  Is he really that oblivious to the problem or a way to solve it?  Does he just want to lure the homeless way and put the city under a bubble?

But I wonder if that’s the strategy I often resort to when I’m solving problems.  Do I just want them to go away so I won’t have to deal with them.  Do I prefer to remove rather than resolve?  And is removing really doing anything?  Guess today was worthwhile after all.

Day 5 (7WJ) – Turn it up and Tune in

by BarbPosted on May 27, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Feel, DO, Repeat.  But sometimes you have to do it before you are feeling it!

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Usually, Feel, DO, Repeat makes a lot of sense to me.  I want to feel what I’m doing, to have motivation for my actions and for them to be driven by feeling.  Well, after a long weekend and a day without a workout, this morning I wasn’t feeling it.  I knew that I wanted to work out, actually I knew that I wanted to want to work out.  The problem was that I started to think of all the other things I could do and the reasons not to take action.

Fortunately, I didn’t listen to that voice of “I don’t really want to.”  I knew that if I didn’t take action that I’d regret it.  So, I got out there.  And once I did, then the feeling actually came, and it felt really good.  So I know that next time, it will be easier to repeat.

The added bonus was also that my blood pressure today was 120/80.  Woo Hoo!  I have never had high blood pressure but I know that the stress I’ve been under has been taking its toll.  So, even if you don’t first feel, some things you just have to do and the feeling will follow.

But, what if the good feeling doesn’t come?  What if that lack of feeling leads to a voice that tells you, “This isn’t the thing for you.”? In that case, it might be time to ask why and to plan an alternate strategy.  In a culture that expects us to be selfless and to do for others, we often no longer hear our inner voice or forget what it sounds like.  So, we ignore the cries for help because we think we shouldn’t feel the way we do or that we have no choice.  There is always a way.  There is always a choice.

So, tune into your feelings.  Tune into your voice. Get quiet so it will be easier to hear.  With 44 days to go, today I was reminded to tune in and listen.

7WJ – Day 4 – Is it all nondescript?

by BarbPosted on May 26, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I know that all days are not nondescript, but it sure felt that today was one of those days and I can’t really say why!

I finally made it to the beach. Had to go south of the place I usually go and was only there for an hour and a half or less. Got more or less toasted. Oh, and it rained on me. But, the beach was worth it. I feel free. Like I belong. And completely at ease when there. Quite a wonderful state of being.

Other than that, the day was filled with driving and cooking and working. Yawn! Or should I say, Nondescript?

It is the times that don’t stand out that we need to define ourselves most. In these times I need to claim the moments that speak to me. I also need to make the most of the moments that don’t. When driving today, I listened to the Hay House Word Summit and looked for places to live. I created time to be as I wished rather than just letting the time be.

Nondescript is only that way because we choose to label it. It needs a face and personality to be memorable. May be, we can bring one to all our moments. And then our lives will take care of themselves.

The Price of Security – Day 3 into 7WJ

by BarbPosted on May 25, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

If I think about what is most important to me, security would not make my top 10. Family, Happiness, Connection, yes – just not the word security. Never the less, I woke up this morning thinking about the illusion of security and how I have lived my life exchanging excitement and risk, for security, and vice versa.  The problem of this trade-off is that wherever I stand, the grass is always greener on the other side.

If I have security, which I do with my job, I definitely lack some excitement.  That is not to say that I haven’t made the best of it, but the day-to-day or month-to-month routine, actually sucks the life out of me.  Is that the price of security?  If I have excitement and risk, that is when I feel most alive but the trade-off in this case is that it can sometimes be exhausting.  It is a constant hustle to make ends meet and cover my bases.  May be that’s what life is about.  Like a sailboat I’m tacking against the wind and as I do, moving forward.

Today was not one that would rock the charts on the risk scale.  I started the day wanting to go to the beach.  Then I wanted to go to the beach after I walked.  Then I wanted to go after I got some work done.  Now…I want to go to the beach tomorrow.  May be the risk in this case is that I won’t get to go.  I chose instead to put my attention on some extra work that I picked up.  To get it submitted in order to have tomorrow free of obligation. HA! The best laid plans. Tonight, my AC is continually freezing and shutting off, dripping, restarting, and the cycle continues.  Tomorrow I may be trying to meet my maintenance man!  But I’d rather I have a working AC and not invite the beach indoors.  It is South Florida after all.

My daughter is counting down the days until she graduates, the days until she moves.  She trusts me to get the paperwork completed and submitted.  To get everything lined up.  Of course I don’t want to disappoint her but, do I really need that one more thing on my plate?  Or may be it’s 10?  I hate it when I can’t navigate websites easily to find out my to-do’s.  She said they are sending her emails.  I wonder if she believes me when I told her they don’t send them to me?

One more day to the long weekend!  I’m very happy because I don’t want to face going back to work just yet.  Unfortunately, it reminds me of a college friend who was killed in Afghanistan.  Senseless!  He was 40.  Wanted to serve.  Wanted to make extra money.  It’s crazy the things we do and the reasons why.  None the less, I thank him for all he did through the years, and all the others who serve.  They risk their safety and security for ours.  That’s quite a price to pay!

7 Week Journey (7WJ) – Day 2

by BarbPosted on May 24, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

So, the count down continues.

This morning I sat with my bills.  I laid out the spiral notebook where I keep all my financial details – account balances, due dates, etc.  I wrote them all down a few different ways, in various formats, and gave them some love! I appreciate being able to do the things that I’ve been able to do, to get by, but now its time to change my paradigm. But how?

A friend suggested that I tap on some of the issues that are coming up for me.  The panic about moving my daughter, the commitment to myself to move, and the desire to do it right.  It helped, a little, but it shifted the focus to a much bigger issue.  You see, I know that I will find a way to do the things that I need to do.  Finding a way to pull off the necessary is never the problem.  Setting aside and planning to make the extraordinary happen or happen with ease, now that’s another story.  What the tapping brought up was my underlying lack of commitment to creating my own financial security.  Instead, I put myself in situations where I hope that it will be done for me.  I’ll have to work on this more.  For now, I’ll get it all to happen, I just know it.

The other thing that I’ve started focusing on for the past two weeks is my weight and my health.  A few years ago, I lost about 50 lbs.  Unfortunately, 30 of them found their way back.  Add that to lots of other factors and let’s just say that I’m feeling fat and unhappy.  Achy.  Sluggish.  Non-energetic.  So two weeks ago, I decided to get my butt in gear and get it back to the gym.  For now, it’s mostly cardio and a mix of that because my knee is sometimes giving me shooting pains, to know it’s there.  In the past two weeks, I’ve only taken one day off.  The rest have been at least 30 minutes of something…but usually longer.  I’m feeling better, but the scale isn’t yet giving me any love back.  It will!  If I keep it up and keep feeling good for moving, I know that I’ll see the benefit!

Day 2 down, 47 to go!  I know that I can make this ride a fun one!  It doesn’t have to be hard, if I love the process!

My 7 Week Journey – day 1

by BarbPosted on May 23, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Seven weeks from today, my life “should” be totally different.  Seven weeks.  That’s 49 days.  That’s not much in people time.  It’s a heck of a lot longer for canines.  Thank heavens I’m not one.  But may be, it would take away the panic.

I thought it would be fun to chronicle it here!  May be not for anyone else…but I think that may be, I’ll have fun with it!!

So, here I am.  55 (OMG – How did that happen!) and I’m on the verge of some next steps that will change my life…..For….EVER!  But then again, doesn’t every next step potentially change our future lives?

In…….

9 days – my youngest child graduates high school

30 days – I move her to college – 7 hours away….

17 days – I take the first of 3 business trips (I lie slightly,  because 2 are glommed together)

And in 7 weeks or 49 days…my lease is up and my life changes.  Kind of – May be – As of today, I honestly don’t know!  I currently have 3 dogs and 2 cats.  Only one of the five is here because I said, “You are lost…I’ll take you in!”  I’ve….adopted the rest through paternity…or whatever term you want to use to refer to your child taking it in and then you getting “stuck with it!”  I did it to my mom….I assume I deserve it.

So, this is my (our) journey!….. I’ll keep you posted!

Is good, good enough?

by BarbPosted on May 8, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

In a recent conversation with colleagues one asked, “The question really is, is good, good enough?”  We were talking about a performance evaluation system with a five point scale that started at Excellent then went to Good, Satisfactory, Fair, and Poor.  It is a scale where few can define the difference between Excellent, Good, Satisfactory, or Fair, or as I like to call them, the Four Shades of Good.  Are you Satisfactory or Good, and how do you know?

I have posed the question in meetings.  If you accomplish your assignment, what rating do you expect?  Unanimous response, “Excellent”.  So, if Excellent is expected, how much less would you have to do, to receive the other ratings? Usually I have to restate the question a few times for my point to be understood.  But even if they get the point, they are not willing to let go of the idea that they were anything short of exceptional.

As I ponder the expectations of those I evaluate, it makes me consider, in what circumstances is good, good enough – and when does it just fall short?

Well, I would hope my doctor is excellent.  I don’t want him to be good, or fair, when a better quality is possible.   What about a haircut?  Does price determine the difference between Excellent or Good or is it the magic of the stylist and her scissors?  And what about a good car?  Does the price for luxury translate to a better product?   What about a good restaurant or good meal?  Is excellent that much better?  Is there a price that we pay for the extra service or quality and if so, what is the trade-off or tipping point?

When I was going through my doctoral program, I had to take a lot of graduate mathematics courses.  Quite a lot!  I also lived an hour from the university and had a family and two small children.  I did not have the time or freedom to huddle in the campus halls, collaborating over solutions to mathematical proofs.  Did I do a good job?  Yes.  But I didn’t do my best possible work given a perfect scenario.  Absolutely not.  I wasn’t willing to give up or set aside my time and responsibilities as mom, for some math problems.  For me, good was good enough.

What about the cases where it isn’t good enough?  I can take you to a really exceptional Mexican restaurant, but if you detest Mexican food, an excellent burrito isn’t going to bring a smile to your face.  How about a beautiful piece of designer clothing at a great price?  Jump on it – or may be not!  It’s a size 2 and I’m a 10.  Good is pretty useless to me in that case.

And then there are the situations we don’t like to think about or talk about. Like – It’s a great house, in a great neighborhood, at a great price…but it happens to be 80 miles from my work and I commute an hour and a half each way and I leave before dawn and get back after sunset.  It’s a great deal but I never get to enjoy it.  So, how good is it?  Or worse, it’s a “great job” with good benefits, everyone thinks I’m SO lucky to have it…but it leaves me dead and lifeless.

What are the things that we trades?  Is good really good enough?

Open the door

by BarbPosted on May 5, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — 1 Comment ↓

Lately, I’ve noticed incredible stress in my life.  In fact, I’ve been allowing stress to overtake my life for the past 6 months.  I’m probably a slow learner. I kept thinking that it would get better, and sometimes it did.  There were times that I felt a bit better, a little lighter.  And brief moments when I felt a lot better.  But, it didn’t last.  I would be back in that uncomfortable place with stress where I was a home, but not.  I have created a structure that allowed the stress to move in and take up a comfortable, or not so comfortable, residence.

The signs have been here, I just didn’t see them.

• Very restless nights with not more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep
• Carrying a heavy case to and from work – every day (taking my papers and computer for drives)
• Back-to-back meetings and tasks with lunch at my desk
• Eating junk food for energy or to keep me focused
• Rationalizing away exercise because, “I don’t deserve it until the work gets done”
• One item on the to-do list replaced by two
• Staring into space because it’s the only moments of relief I get
• Heaviness around my eyes

I should have realized that colleagues were starting to look at me like they were wondering if they need to hold me back from the nearest bridge. I was getting advice like, “take some time off.”  translation – “please go away and come back when you’re in a better place”.  I’m sure they don’t want to be around me any more than I want to be around myself.

What is the quote?

“You will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain to change.”

That’s pretty powerful and yet if you have never been in that place, its hard to understand.  I have been through periods where the pain of changing was so bad, that I welcomed the old negative patterns back into my life.  I didn’t have the tools to deal with the discomfort of facing the unknown. Not so sure that I’m much more equipped now, but I think it’s worth taking the time to open the door to something different.

I have found that no one can fix this for me.  In fact, they want me to fix it while still being all that I can be, for them.  I guess that I’m going to have to disappoint some people.  I’m opening the door to something different.  The pain of staying in this place is too much.  No, I’m not headed for a bridge.  I mean the pain of knowing I’m miserable and staying this way.

I don’t have the luxury of going through mass change…of becoming a barista or heading to an island to sell ice cream or clean fish, but today, I stop taking my work for a ride.  It’s going to have to get used to being in my office or at home.  It’s a baby step, but I’m ok with that.  As long as its forward!

Do you want to take a step today?  What would you like to leave behind?

Creep

by BarbPosted on March 13, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I’m not talking about the guy in the corner.  The one peering over the edge of his zipped up wrinkled and dirty-grey sweatshirt who looks at you out of the corner of his eye.  I am talking about the insidious ooze of conscious and unconscious obligation that grabs hold of the corners of your mind and morphs its way into you schedule, your diet, your eating, and your sanity.  It is ooze creep.  The creep of business combustion, the creep of … insanity.

I’ve been fighting that creep.  Once I give in to one “big” task, watch out because the rest of the minions are sure to follow, snapping at the heals and ready to suck up any free time or brain space that was left untouched.  Yup…I’m fighting the creep!

I know that I’ve done this before.  I know that you’ve done it too.  And you wade into the mire, past your knees or your ankles and before long..”OMG! How did I get beyond the point of no return?”

So slowly, carefully, I (we) can back out to the point where we still had peace and control.  We regain the place where we can own our steps…own our footing…and anchor ourselves against the creep that might try to overtake us.

Space

by BarbPosted on March 4, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I look at my calendar, two months have flown by. Where have they gone? What have I done? A lot, and still nothing.  I look again and try to find space. Before I know it, it will be May. It is only the start of March and yet each block is filled, committed.

It is so easy to add tasks to the spaces.  Easy to say, “Sure I can do that.” Easy to lose a sense of what could happen in the space I don’t have.  Recently I’ve noticed that on many days I’m booked.  Back to back appointments with no space in between.  One flows into or overlaps the next. Bathroom breaks, luxuries; eating, at my desk, on the fly, while answering email, the norm.

I arrive through congested roadways with cars edging for any opportunity to nose ahead. There is no space, or it is taken advantage of by the quick and opportunistic. And after a day where appointments are no better than highways I make my way home, joining the crowd jockeying for position, in the hope to wait one light less, and arrive two minutes faster.

The nudging and edging makes time implode upon itself, a black hole; until a friend stops and asks, “Are you excited about it? What you are doing? Yesterday I was 50 and this year I’ll be 65. Where did it go?”

Space! I worked to fill it and didn’t realize that sooner or later it will be gone, or there will be too much and I won’t be able to engage it with a smile.  Now is the time I have, to make the space, and instead of filling it, to hold it open and allow the beauty that is mine to claim, to be there; to fill it. So I acknowledge my part.  I have to protect it.  I have to allow it. I have to do my part and create it.  It is nowhere, and yet it can be everywhere.  Space.