Being pulled apart doesn’t move me forward

by BarbPosted on March 1, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Yesterday, I had a great many things on my mind.  Ideas were flowing.  I was feeling creative. I desired a quiet space to put it all on paper.  That was great, but then I thought about my obligation to the conference I am attending and it felt like I was being pulled in a much different direction.  Stretched and torn in two very different directions.  This conflict made me even more uneasy.

At first I thought of the two obligations as being weights on a balance.  Actually, I thought about it as stones in two buckets that were hanging from a pole I held across my back.  The weight, was weighing me down.  It was pressing my shoulders into the ground.  It was keeping my head tilted down, away from the sun, away from knowing the path that lay before me, the only thing I could see was the next step.  And taking a step, any step, made the weight on my shoulders even greater.

The struggle to keep the weights balanced, to attend to them both and to keep them from allowing me to move forward began to be the main burden.  I wanted to write.  I felt obligated to go to meetings.  My desired agenda? My obligation? The more I let the two issues battle, the more they kept me from moving forward in either direction.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  I started wondering where I was, in this balance, between my obligations.  Where did I sit on the see-saw between my obligations and my desires?  I realized that the major burden was that I as trying to serve two masters, the one of my desires that moved me forward to my goals and the one of my obligations that left me feeling stuck and lifeless.  Wow!  That wasn’t a good place to be.

The funny thing was, that I did both.  I wrote for a while and then I found a workshop to go to.  But, I wasn’t really all there because the question kept nagging at me.  Why am I allowing myself to be pulled apart? What can I do to change it?

I realized that I need to pull back and to realign.  To find obligations that move me toward my desires and to let those that don’t, down easy or to give them to someone else to carry.  I realized that my obligations didn’t have to be opposite from my desires and that they could both lead me forward toward my goals.  Now, just to do the work of shifting the course.  The work of realignment.

Wouldn’t our lives be wonderful and carefree if our obligations and our desires were one in the same?  If they all moved us in the direction of our dreams?  I believe they can be, if we keep that in mind.

I’ve been away

by BarbPosted on February 27, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Well, not really!

Several months ago, I got really ambitious and I changed this blog around.  Then I went away.  Not really away, but away from the blog.  It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I did.  I’d come to the page, I’d sit and think and be poised to put wonderful thoughts to paper. (or computer) And yet…nothing.  Well, sometimes there’d be something.  But, I wasn’t impressed.  In fact, I was SO not impressed that I’d save it as a draft or delete it.  The act was certainly setting my world on fire or making me remotely happy.

I tried over and over.  Still nothing!

It took me a long time to figure it out, to figure out why.  And finally I realized that the image that I’d developed, or tried to, just wasn’t me! It was SO much not me that I couldn’t bring myself to be a part of my own discussion.  I was away….

Well damn!  Isn’t it amazing what happens when you get rid of the crap and open up to yourself again!!  I have gotten rid of the “not me” parts…and suddenly I feel like I have my voice again.  It feels like waking up to glorious sunshine!

How many times do we do that and how far do we go down the rabbit hole before we realize that we aren’t in a place we recognize anymore?  I say we, but I mean I…and may be, you are like me.

I see someone, something and I think, “Oh, that looks cool! I should do that.  I should be like that!”

I’ve read many times that “success leaves breadcrumbs.”  And, “do what other successful people do.”

But if the breadcrumbs don’t feel real, and the breadcrumbs aren’t a part of who I am already, well, I’m not sure they are also a part of where I’m going, what I’m becoming, who I want to be.  Time to enjoy my own ride!

To My Children – or anyone who understands

by BarbPosted on December 22, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Hi Guys!

So, this is my way to say this to all of you in one fell swoop!

This is life!  You’re going to fuck up!  Accept it…and move on!

It is my call to action!

There is no one right way!  It’s a process and you’ll work it out!

I love you, regardless of the path you take.  That doesn’t mean I might not be angry, but get over it.  Shit happens.  I still and will, always love you!

So what’s the point?  I guess that more than anything it’s that I want you to open yourselves up …. can I kick you in your butt?  Life is what you make it.  What you make of it.  What you accept from it.  What you embrace it and how you frame it!  You all have powerful minds, exceptional hearts, and …well, and you are capable of moving large boulders to reach the unimaginable.

So…get off the fence and start your feet a walking!  Take a risk!  Take a chance!  Get into the mix!!  You can do it!

I don’t mean take a next step in your mundane job…(excuse me because that might be rude) because I’m proud of all of you for the work you do, but what I’m talking about is something bigger and bolder.  I’m talking about your dreams!  I mean take a giant leap into creation…and what might be….and beyond what you imagine!  YOU CAN DO IT!  Whatever it might be!  And by the way…yes, it won’t always be perfect and you’ll make mistakes.  But on the road to phenomenal, you have to surpass the bitch that shows herself as difficult and challenging, or even seemingly impossible.  Who cares that you might hit some twists and turns?!  I believe in you.  All of you!

You were born to achieve greatness beyond all the cants in this world!  Live your dreams, where ever they are and where ever they may be!

In each darkness, there is a dawn.

In each nightfall, a sunrise.

In each battle, a hero emerges.  Be the hero of your destiny (destinies) !!!

I believe in you…I believe in me.  It doesn’t have to be conventional, it just has to be that thing we mean to come true.  You have it in you….I know you do!

Image Constipation

by BarbPosted on December 22, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Image Constipation….it’s time to get over that shit!

Last year was a time of acceptance but this year, the year to come is a time of momentum.  So I have to start it off right.

I, Barbara Ridener, confess that I have been a victim of image constipation!  I accept it…and …relieve myself!  ***flash the overcoat***

So, what do I mean?  Well, it’s trying to hide one part of myself from another.  It is trying to keep the image or the images, in control – and separate.  And I’m telling you, it’s not working!!!

I’m all that I imagine that I am, and more!

I have a PhD in Math Education and on more than one occasion, I hate math!

I am a teacher educator which means that I can’t admit to things like living outside the classroom, going to the bathroom, or sex.  Hmmm why do we do this?  Image be damned, I engage in all of these, with pleasure!

I LOVE to write poetry…which is all opposed to the math side of life and frankly, I’m more the poet side.  I love it when I’m told I’m not a “real” math person.  Nope!  I’m not.  And I’m good with that!

I’m NOT a control freak! Regardless that many think I am!  Give me something I can accept and buy into!  Show me you’ve thought it through.  If it’s your job, I don’t care, go to it,  but if I’m ultimately responsible…then I need you to make me believe I can completely trust you!  And by the way, oversight is not the same as being controlling.

I’ve lived through my victim side of life and frankly, I’m damn tired of it.  Does that mean I’m a control freak?  NO!  But that doesn’t mean I need to accept your shit either!

So, with my feet on a stool (LOL) and with full acceptance….tomorrow the light starts growing~days grow longer~ and I grow stronger.

Here’s to the funky, flawed goddess in all of us!!  May “I can’t” never stop us for long and here’s to finding our path to embracing our ultimate freedom!  Constipation be damned and image is only what we imagine her to be.

Letting go. But of what?

by BarbPosted on December 18, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — 2 Comments ↓

Yesterday, I was driving to work and thinking about all the wonderful things that are happening.  Many opportunities are unfolding and many doors are opening.  That feeling of possibility is one that I want to hold onto.  I was driving along and feeling such hope and such promise, that I started crying.  Now I’m sure that’s not the best thing to happen when driving in heavy traffic, but it was all good and I felt like the world was opening and unfolding.

At one stop I was able to jot the note, “your mess is your message.”  These words a friend once told me and in that second they meant a lot to me.

But, here’s the point…then I continued in traffic and then I got to work.

So….what was I so joyfully crying about?  Unfortunately, right now I can’t really tell you.  The day became so damn busy that it all faded away.  Now, it was a fairly productive day so all was not lost, but I can’t remember what I was thinking in a way that made me so happy and brought me such joy.  I can’t recapture that feeling.

That brings me to my point.  I need to let go…of something!  I don’t know what I’d let go of, even though there is plenty!  But I want to let go of the thing or things that are filling my days and my head to suck the joy that was there…and even the idea of the joy, right out of me.

The thought came to me, that may be I need to find a way to hang onto the joy through the clutter.  May be that would serve me better…but my gut tells me not.  My gut tells me that I need to let go of periphery so I can focus and enjoy.

In some ways, its like school, learning say math or history.  I can hang onto the ideas short-term but unless I have something that I encounter on a regular basis…they just go!  How many of you could revisit a calculus lesson and work the problems without trouble?  I know that I can’t…a fact that irritates my daughter to no end.  But I don’t use them in the day-to-day and have nothing to connect it to.

I think that joy is like that.  If we can’t connect it to our day-to-day and we clutter it out…then it goes.  So, I’m making more room for it to connect.  I think that’s a good idea.  Don’t you?

My Year of Acceptance

by BarbPosted on December 6, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Looking back on the past year, I realized that it had a theme. It was one of acceptance and love…but mostly acceptance.

Of course, it was not the way that I thought the year was going to go!

Last fall, I was able to attend two incredible workshops on writing and promoting yourself and your writing. So, I approached December and the dawn of 2014 with the idea that I was going to move forward. I needed to move forward. I was going to write and set the world on fire. Have you seen my name in lights? Nope? Well, neither have I.

The workshops asked a lot of questions: What is your platform? Who is your audience? Do you already have a following? Hmmm – I’m not sure. I’m not sure. And, Hell no! In fact, I was doing everything I could to keep my passion for writing and for the “self-help” medium a secret. I want to laugh as I write that because I know friends who might read this and “disown” me. And I’m finally at the point where I can say, that while it would make me sad, I’m good with that!

After Speak, Write, and Promote last November in New York City Cheryl Richardson said to us, “Go home and digest what you learned…and don’t DO anything for 12 weeks.” At least I think it was 12 weeks. It might have been 6 months. The length of time seemed incomprehensible to me. What? Don’t DO? Isn’t doing what will make things happen? Isn’t doing what you are supposed to do?

So, I tried to do….in a variety of formats and venues. I tried to force myself to be happy with myself. I tried to force my writing. I tried to force my finances. I tried to force my weight loss. And none of it happened. At least, none of it happened by force.

The more I tried to force direction and outcomes, the more I had a nagging need just to “be”. I would try, I would push myself, I would beat myself up for not doing better, not accomplishing, and then I would feel the need to step away and be quiet. I felt the need to…actually be good to myself. What a novel concept.

Being good to myself wasn’t a matter of rewards, it was a product of knowing that I was trying and doing my best. It was an acknowledgement that I will make mistakes. It was….acceptance. And it would happen time and time again until I realized that acceptance, self-love, was what I wanted and needed most. I couldn’t find what I was looking for in the good jobs or the atta boys of others, I had to accept myself and my feelings.

I had to accept that I make mistakes. I had to accept that not everyone is going to like me. I had to accept that even though I may not be content with some of the trimmings, I’m OK with me, who I am, where I’m going, and what I want (even though I’m not always sure what that might be…precisely). Oh, and I realize that the trimmings are like decorations. What you put up or put on in one season doesn’t have to last a lifetime. (I hope those extra pounds around my hips hear that! Because their time has come…and is now gone!) I can change my mind, change my job, change my looks, change my life….and it doesn’t have to be because I’m wrong or deficient in the way that I was….I can do it just because I want to!

Now, that’s one hell of a freeing and fabulous idea! I can change something in my life just because I want to!

So, it’s been a good year! It’s actually been a fabulous year! I really owe so very much to all those who have helped me own my own skin this year! I can’t wait to see what develops for 2015! Happy Early New Year!

One Year Later – Time to be real!

by BarbPosted on December 6, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I can’t believe that I’ve had this blog for a year now!  My how time flies.  Can I be honest?  It feels like I’ve been writing this for much, much longer….hmmm, that doesn’t sound like a good thing.

Part of the reason that it seems like more than a year is that I started my blogs on blogspot awhile ago.  So, yammering on the internet isn’t new.

However, in the past year I have come leaps and bounds in my understanding of who I am as a person and what I want to do and be.  Quite an accomplishment! Oh yes, that’s a bit of sarcasm because at 54, I would think it’s about time.   I find humor in that but I’m also very, very proud of the person I’m becoming.

In spite of the fact that I’m now more comfortable in my skin, I also realize that the past year has also been a big costume party.  I’ve tried on various masks and costumes, searching for one that felt like it fit just right and made me “look just right.”

Well, I’m going to try something new….I think it’s time for me to cut the crap and just be real.  It’s time to put myself out there, joys, fears and all!  Or at least most of it!

Still, being real can be a pretty damn scary thing!  Which takes me back to mentioning the masks.  Why masks?  What if I say I don’t like my job?  Well, my job may not like that.  What if I say that I get frustrated with people I work with?  They might get offended.  What if I say that I’m sad, depressed or frustrated?  Well, that kind of blows the image that I want to send a positive message and would really like to help you think positive.  After all, I’m not hiding behind It’s Not About Can’t or Pelican Dreams….this is me, Barb Ridener.

On my first anniversary, it’s time I cut the crap and get real.  The real Barb Ridener.  You may like what I write, and I really hope you do, but also you may not, and if not, I hope you won’t be haters.  But here’s the launch of what I really want to write…. I hope you like it.  So let’s be real!

Stepping away from the hysteria – just a little rant!

by BarbPosted on November 26, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

What are we doing to ourselves?  Seriously!

I’ve been hearing about Black Friday for weeks.  Start early.  Don’t miss it.  Get the deals early. Pre-Black Friday sales. Get your coupons. …and even a store map to strategically plan your attack.  It’s over the top!

I’ve also noticed the email campaigns that do the same thing.  Build the promise, build the desire, the need to be there…and then warn you that you better not miss it, miss your chance, you’ll be left out, it’s a limited time…..ARGHHH!

STEP AWAY FROM THE HYSTERIA!

I honestly love a sale as much as the next girl, but if I get what I want and I can buy it easily, I don’t care if I have to pay a little more.  Well, sometimes I do, but I’ve also decided that the trade off isn’t worth it.

All of the hype, all of the urgent calls to action are screaming at me that if I don’t take action, I’m missing out.  I’m missing out on the sale.  I’m missing out on the opportunity.  My life won’t be complete unless I sign up, do it now, plan my attack, take action.  Oh my God!  Imagine if I said yes to everything.  Imagine still if I believed I should say yes to everything!  How messed up would that be?

So, I’m stepping away!!!  YAY!  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to completely unplug and I’m not even going to promise that I won’t stop at a sale or two.  But, I refuse to let it suck my joy away!

Oh, and this “rant” started a few days ago.  If your emails (that I’ve opted into) are written in such a way that they imply that I need to take action or I’m missing out and will have a less than life….well, I decided that they are not adding anything positive to my life and I’m exercising my right to opt out.  Thank you for sharing, but your hysteria won’t add anything I want to my life, regardless of how good your product may be!

OK, rant over….today I’m going to breathe….be thankful….oh, and finish my grocery shopping!

When did I become unrecognizable?

by BarbPosted on November 19, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

A couple of days ago I changed my Facebook picture.  It was something that I didn’t think much about.  But, the reaction was not what I expected.  My new picture received no fewer than 50 likes.  Really?  It’s just my face!  (please – no jokes)

Seriously though, my posts don’t usually get that many likes but in this picture I looked…happy, and there was just that spark that set it aside from most.  So I cropped myself out of the middle, and used it.  Guess it was a good call.

But one of the comments that I received said, “That’s the Barb I remember.”  Excuse me?  Did she really go away?  So I’m left to wonder, when did I become unrecognizable?

I have to admit, the comment made me consider the Barb I was then and the one I am now.  What were my hopes, my dreams, my outlook? How does it all happen?  How does it all change?

Some changes are probably for the best…(I’m not sure that I buy that, but bear with me.)  I have had more experiences. I am now more responsible.  I take care of a lot of people and things.  I am able to get my oil changed and I am able to travel to foreign countries…by myself…and do so without falling apart.  Those are all pretty good things.

But I have to admit, the Barb back then was pretty happy.  I was generally overly optimistic and even though I didn’t get everything I wanted…when I didn’t, I moved on to the next dream.  The Barb back then usually didn’t feel stress…LOL, but may be it’s because I believed that almost every possibility was open before me.

I’m not sure when it all changed and how it faded away.  I’m not sure how I became so consumed by getting it done and doing it (mostly) right.  When did I become needy of approval and then fearful of lack of approval?  When did I start new conversations with, “The problem is….”?  What an eye-opener!  Tonight I heard Penny Northrup-Kirk and Dr. Christiane Northrup say that “we have become habituated to living in a constant state of inflammation.”  Ouch!

So, where did my spark go?  I can point to lots of events and no one moment in particular but now that I realize what it looks like, I have gathered some new kindling!  I’m going to use what I have learned to let life flow again and to keep that flame re-ignited.

I don’t know if you can relate, but if you can, I’d love to hear how you keep your fire stoked!

Is nothing really nothing?

by BarbPosted on November 17, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — 1 Comment ↓

I spent much of the weekend reading, researching, writing and thinking.  Hmmm. Some would say that I didn’t DO anything.  Actually, when I tried to tell someone what I did, I started with, “Not much.”

The problem is that I have been conditioned to think that unless there was manual work (housekeeping, gardening, etc.) or there was a product (gave a presentation or submitted a proposal) that no work was done.  Well, I’m ready to change the way I think!

I’ve done a lot of work this weekend and I think its worth acknowledging! So…Yay me!  What could be better? I was relaxed.  I was engaged.  I was happy. And I set the groundwork to go farther and do more. I gathered a lot of information and I set the framework for next steps.  I absolutely did something!

Is this you too?  Do you have a habit of minimizing the things you do?  Think about it!  Catch yourself and turn it around!  I can’t achieve my big goals without laying the groundwork…and neither can you.  So cheers and congratulations, for all the little things we do every day!!