What’s driving me?

by BarbPosted on November 2, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Mercury is out of retrograde and yet suddenly I’m feeling a little … off.  OK, if you know me, no jokes please.  But seriously, things feel – not quite right.  My inner control freak would love to know exactly why.  If I knew why, then I could fix it!  Well, you may know better than I that just because I know that something is wrong doesn’t always mean that I can do something to change it.  Sometimes things are just out of my control…oh, shudder the thought!

But, as I was trying to think about what might be causing my unrest I realized that part of it is the result of being so far out of my normal routine.  The past two weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs and the last week having a massive down and out, more sick than I’ve been in 20 years.

Yet, as I look at my options for moving forward, I think about the things that drive me to action.  It really boils down to two simple facts: 1. I do things because I want something to happen or 2. I do things because I’m avoiding something or want it not to happen.

In that simple recognition, I find my own retrograde.  I cannot move forward or move positively if my actions are being driven by avoidance.  Wow!  Can it really be that simple? I think I’ll give it a try and let you know!

Why do I need someone else’s permission?

by BarbPosted on October 29, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Coming off of a whirlwind few weeks, where I’ve been pushing and pressing, where I’ve been stressed…but also relieved and thrilled…I hit the wall.

SMASH!

Yup!  Ran into it head-on and full faced…and with both barrels.   First, I came off an incredible high, after a few very positive days I was hit by a rush of questioning and self-doubt.  Crap!  I hate it when that happens.  It’s a true, flashing upper-limit…in bright neon.   Did I really deserve to feel great?  Was the good event really just the start of the other shoe dropping?  And then it came.

The second barrel was waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I had knives in my throat.  I hadn’t been sick once in the past year and suddenly here I was…achy, sore throat, ugh!

So, what would I do? Of course,  I went to work!  I was suffering self-doubt and feeling like I’d been hit by a truck…and I went to work.  It really didn’t make me feel any better.  I know that’s a shocker, but I thought I could muddle through and out work what was bothering me.  Wrong!

Today I thought that I could do the same.  I thought that I’d be able to rest a bit, take a nap and go in late,  make my commute and rally for the meetings I was supposed to attend in the afternoon.  It was what I was supposed to do!  I would show up!

NO, please don’t!

Sharing my plan was mostly met with comments from those who agreed with it.  They were sorry I was sick but more concerned about the tasks at hand.  Then, one person said to me….”No.  You don’t need to do that.  Take care of yourself.”

While I wanted to argue, I dropped my shoulders, agreed, and finally began to relax.  As I did, I could feel the stress leaving my body.  And I slept.  But before I drifted off, I wondered why I had needed someone to tell me, to give me permission to take care of myself.  Someone had to tell me that whatever was going on, that it could happen without me and it would be OK.  I couldn’t do it for myself, I needed their permission.

Today, that one person made a difference for me.  She called to my attention what I was missing, that I was more important than the tasks or the responsibilities, and that it was OK for me to relax and just be…just be sick and allow myself to get better.

I’m still under-the-weather, but I feel more whole, loved, and cared for…even if it was just from that one other person who got through to me!

Do you need permission to do something that’s good for you?

Does it have to be work?

by BarbPosted on October 19, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

There are a lot of things that I’m working on!  I’m working on my work at the university.  I’m working on my new business with USANA.  I’m working on losing weight.  I’m working on cleaning my apartment.  I’m working on having fun…

WAIT!  Having fun shouldn’t be work!

So, may be the things I’ve learned about life are…well, backwards!  May be work should be fun!  May be losing weight should be joyful!  May be I should love the hell out of cleaning my apartment!  May be the things that I do in every second should bring me joy!  Sound silly?  I don’t think so!

If I think about the way we approach weight loss…we look at it like it has to be work.  It has to be punishment.  It has to be hard.  We have to be tough on ourselves.  Hell!  No wonder it doesn’t work or it doesn’t last!

Why don’t we ask our bodies what feels good and do that?

Laugh a little.  Love a little. Dance a little.  Be silly a little…or a lot!  But for heavens sake don’t make yourself pay a price because you think that’s the way you should live life!  Is that really the way you want to remember the way you approached the days you’ve been given?

Forging forward in someone else’s dream

by BarbPosted on September 2, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Today, I look around and see more and more of a life I can relate to.  A life the says to me, yes – I’ve been here, I’ve been present.  Not long ago, that wasn’t the case.

Have you ever thought about something, anything you’d like to do and immediately you think, I’d love to, but I can’t.  All you can see are the barriers between where you are, and where you’d like to be.  Yes, that was me.

I think that I was forging forward in someone else’s dream, but it really wasn’t any one person’s.  I was an actor, playing the role of the person I though that I should be.  The role never felt real.  My heart was never in the role.  I always felt inadequate.  I always saw reasons I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be.

Do you relate?  When you think of something you want to do, what is the first thing you do?  Do you start taking steps towards making it happen or do you make excuses that guard your heart and prepare you for a gentle let down, with the reasons it isn’t really possible anyway?

I never thought I was an excuse maker, until I listened to myself and realized I was.  Is this you too?  I’ve listened to a lot of people and now recognize that the life of the action taker is really not the path most of us follow because ….well, you fill in your reason.  You shouldn’t?  You can’t?  It isn’t practical?  It’s too hard?

Where do you want to be tomorrow?  A year from now?  Do you want to follow your dreams or do you want to be where you are today?  For me, I will be working on making my dreams come true.  Why don’t you join me?

It can’t be true

by BarbPosted on August 12, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

It can’t be true
The news
It’s not days old
And yet we seek for confirmation
That it can’t be true
And as we seek for new stories that say no, just kidding
We find more that say, sorry, but yes.
Again, we shake our head that it can’t be
But we are faced with the inevitable
The life, our life, is not endless
We must face our demons and our mortality
Like we do through the passing of others
As we are reminded that we too have a time
That ready or not, we must face the inevitable.

Book Review – The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence

by BarbPosted on August 10, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence by Jessica Ortner is so much more than the simple weight loss book I first thought it would be. In her open and relatable way, Jessica walks the reader to the door of your fears and helps you open it and face the barriers that are getting in the way of being at the perfect weight.

Of course, the basis of the book is in teaching the reader to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Tapping. I was not unfamiliar with Tapping but just like Jessica explains when she tells her story, I had never thought of it as a solution for my struggles with weight. Jessica provides the perfect prompts and scripts to lead the reader through the EFT process. She is thorough and explains the reason the process starts with our negative feelings. Jessica then moves the reader forward to understanding that once the barriers are released, there is nothing that stands in the way of taking the next steps towards losing the weight.

Jessica is an expert at connecting extra weight with the hidden problems that our weight might be protecting us from. She asks the “right questions”. And in the answers that are revealed, our fears are also unearthed and eventually released. The more I read, the more I would think, “Wow! I never thought of that.” But the more I read, it was the big “A-ha”, the pieces that I had been missing. It couldn’t have made more sense.

The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence leads the reader from a place of frustration to a place of understanding and empowerment. It provides tools and promise. It is masterfully written and gives hope to those who are willing to put in the effort to work the steps. This book is a must read for those who can’t figure out why they have been struggling with weight loss.

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. I was not financially compensated for this post. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

by BarbPosted on August 9, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Patience
Reveals itself
As a dried-up pool
Endless anticipation
Beating down
Baking away
The drops of hope
That lead to renewed life
Release the expectation and outcome
And the flood begins
Renewal when least expected
Revitalization when least imagined
It’s time to dance
While floods of joy
Unearth what wasn’t dead
But lay dormant underneath
The too structured and unwelcoming soul

Broken Dreams

by BarbPosted on July 18, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Somehow I knew
That broken dreams could be shattered
To pieces like glass
Smashed, with fragments falling into cracks
Lurking, waiting for me
Only, to step on later, as a reminder
Of the darkened illusions I’d forgotten and left behind
But as the shards grew fewer
I began to forget
And to walk with certainty
Unafraid
Where before I used caution and guarded each advance
Now I go quickly, and even danced
With lighter feet
Brighter dreams
And a new vision
For broken dreams
Are now in the past

Are your actions moving you closer to your dreams?

by BarbPosted on July 18, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Let me talk about myself. Probably my least favorite topic, but its the only perspective I can discuss with any certainty.

The other night, I participated in the beginning session of “The Passion Test”.  Through it, I identified my top 5 passions.  But now I have homework.  I have to come up with 3 to 5 indicators of what it would look like for the identified passion to come true…in a really big way.  What a challenge!!  But, I’m working on it.

The work has lead me to the question, “How many of the choices and actions I take are moving me toward my dreams?”  True confession – probably not many.  They are choices that I have made on the road to …being a good girl, a good person, doing my job, protecting my image (whatever that is), and for many other unidentified reasons.  But I can’t say that they have been conscious actions with a dream in mind.  So now I wonder, when I do, will it make a difference?  I have to believe it will!  It has to be more aligned than what I’m doing now, so why not keep it top of mind and give it a try?

I’m actually excited!  It makes sense…and “feels” right.

How about you?  Are your actions moving you closer to your dreams?

Let the healing begin

by BarbPosted on July 15, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Please!  I’m ready…really, really ready!

I’m tired of being angry!  I’m exhausted with keeping my guard up and my walls strong to protect me from those who don’t care they exist…because they want their piece of me.

I want a hug!  And a good cry – and a hug!  I want someone to hold me and pick up my broken pieces to keep them safe, knowing that when I’m well enough, I’ll put them together again.

I’m tired of being bitter.  I’m tired of the fight.  I’m tired of having to keep up appearances and a brave face and …forge on regardless.

I’m tired of being told not to feel…to just ignore it…to get my job done – regardless…tired of hearing your troubles or deal with the things that are falling down around you.

Today, they are falling down around me.

I can feel it in my head…and the pit of my stomach.  My mind glazes over, unable to focus on a task.  My stomach, well its just twisted into knots.  I feel like a zombie…numb….not wanting to move or go forward or back.

And I resent it.  The troubles seem to follow the good nights, when I think its all behind me.  The twists, the turns, the ups, the downs…the look at me/him now, did you know that his life is falling apart?  …just thought I’d share.  But if you respond, I’ll let you know you shouldn’t.

It is draining me right now.  I’d like to cry…but I have no time.  Besides, that would be feeling sorry for myself.  That would be feeling…and feeling is weak.    I’d like to be able to focus and work.  But I’m afraid that if I do, the cold-hearted bitch is the only thing that will ever be seen again.  I’d like to take care of myself, but there are too many things calling my attention that what I need…the real self compassion, will have to wait for another day – or week.

May be….or I can curl up in my bed and hug my dogs and cats.

Even though I may not know where it’s coming from, let the healing begin!