I choose me

by BarbPosted on July 11, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

It shouldn’t really be hard…I choose me.  I choose to follow my dreams.  I choose to go after what I want.  It shouldn’t, so why is it?  Why is it hard for others to understand that I am choosing and have a right to follow my dreams?  I don’t get it!  I don’t understand people who want you to do for them.  I don’t get it, at all!

So, in spite of the difficulty and the lack of understanding and the standing alone and in pursuit of my own truth…… I choose me!  Do you choose you?  Is it hard to choose you?  For some, I think it is easy.  I hear them talk about pursuit of dreams and life purpose and damn the consequences.   Somehow, my consequences never gave me the room or permission not to support them.  They pursued me until I finally caved.  But now, I choose me.

I wish I would have come to this decision earlier.  It would have been easier to escape.  To walk away, if that was what was needed.  Because in the end, it really comes down to the fact that nothing else matters any more….and I choose me!  It’s tiring, but I do.

Do you?  Do you choose yourself and your dreams in spite of the barriers?  it is the best decision you’ll make!  Choose yourself today, tomorrow and everyday.  You are worth it!!

Molten beginnings and fragile endings

by BarbPosted on July 8, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I fly and float
On plateaus
That hold my dreams
Above my fears
on the brink of tomorrow
shade and shadow the foundry place
That forges the space where tomorrow is smelt
In molten beginnings
And fragile endings…
Where we fear
Before we dare
Be bigger than we dreamed
For tomorrow
We step
Fragile and tentative
Toward where we have yet not imagined

I don’t know how…but that can’t stop me

by BarbPosted on July 8, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I don’t know how to be the thing that I’d love to be, the person who writes and moves you with my words.  Maybe because I’m not you.  But I know that as a reader, I love to read the words from an author who can reach into my soul and make me feel, make me believe that there is something bolder or grander than the walls that limit my current vision.  That is the author I wish to be.

But because I don’t know how to be that person, that finished product, I can’t let it stop me from trying.  And in trying, may be I will grow and one day move….move in a right and fun and positive way.  Hmmmm.  I would hate to move you to tears, tap shoes would be far more fun!

What are your dreams?  And why have you…or haven’t you follewed them?  What draws you in to the pursuit with abandon?  What shades have drawn that keep you questioning if the dreams are worth of you following.  …Why do I ask so many questions?  May be that’s why I don’t have the answers yet.  I don’t know.  I could probably debate both sides.

I wrote this the other day…I hope you enjoy.

i daydream

The space between thoughts

where my mind drifts and wanders

in rambling paths between here and yesterday

i seek…not knowing what for

i wander, with purpose but not direction

tired of chasing, i think i’ll sit and wait awhile may be more and maybe

just enjoy and embrace the beauty before me

and daydream

opening to find what comes up …. before

and within me

Uncertainty

by BarbPosted on July 7, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I’m half way through my summer and it’s not exactly turning out the way that I thought it would.  Ahhh, what happened to the summer of my dreams? This summer, I dreamed of time that I would spend in introspection.  Time spent reading, meditating, exercising, writing, and relaxing.  Time that I would just be easy on myself and see what unfolded.  Time that I would make myself a priority and put my dreams into perspective…and try to discover what they really might be.

Well, here’s what’s happened.  So far, it hasn’t been the restful awakening I was hoping for.

The first half of the summer was spent traveling…mostly for work…so it was spent wrapping up things that have come to an end, like the grants I had the past 3 years and the associated speaking commitments.  The next half of the summer will be spent working on projects and reports for work that will be due in late August.  The work demands over the next 6 weeks will be intense and in a strange way it frightens me. It frightens me because if I’m not careful, the tasks will, as they have in the past, mindlessly consume me and I will lose any and all sense of the self awareness that I’m searching for.

Today, in the midst of the middle, I’m facing uncertainty.  The uncertainty that comes from questioning and not finding answers and the uncertainty that comes from going easy on myself because I don’t know.   It’s not the way I saw my summer happening.  I thought that after a short time it would all become clear and I’d have the answers to all of my questions and magically know my next steps, my direction, my purpose in life.  Well, purpose hasn’t called yet.  So I’m at a place where the uncertainty is making me uneasy.  I mean, shouldn’t I know by now?  May be not.

I have to admit, that I have some thoughts that are scaring me more than not knowing.  Some ideas that sound exciting and intriguing and will take me very far from the reality I know.  If that’s how I find my purpose, will it be because I am running away from my known world?  Or have I just been blindly following someone else’s dreams? I don’t know.

So for now, I’m in a state of unknown.  I’m going to try to be comfortable with my uncertainty…and may be even learn something by living with it for awhile.

Funny what happens when you can see

by BarbPosted on June 21, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I’m finally sitting with my computer during one of my favorite times to write…it is morning, it is quiet, all the pets are settled around me, and I realized….I can’t see!  I was actually waiting to check into a flight when it hit me.  I was holding my laptop and leaning close to the screen so it wouldn’t be blurry. Wow!  That explains it!!

When I first got glasses, I was in 5th grade.  The summer before had been absolutely wonderful.  I spent most of my free time with a book.  In fact, that summer I think that I read almost 30 editions of Cherrie Ames, Student Nurse.  And in the process, I ruined my eyes.  After the eye doctor put the glasses on me, he told me how I’d be amazed….that I would look at a tree and instead of seeing green, I would actually be able to see the leaves.  You mean that’s how it’s supposed to look?

When I realized that I was holding the computer to my face and my shoulders were also crunched over in that uncomfortable slouch, my eyes were also opened to the reason it has been so “uncomfortable” for me to write.  It wasn’t that I didn’t have words, but I have been physically uncomfortable.  No wonder!!  Well, that’ll teach me for not getting my glasses replaced when they were broken on a flight a few months ago!

But its funny, how one thing, one small thing, can provide me the a-ha, that I’ve been looking for!  Have you ever had that happen?  Are you sometimes astounded when your eyes are suddenly opened?  I’d love to hear about it!

I fly

by BarbPosted on June 20, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I fly
Where I fear my feet will not land
In fear, the muck drags me down
So I skim
The surface of the marsh of my dreams
Where I can see, but not land
And catch foot, to launch until tomorrow
But I fly
And glide forward
Without fear, without
A thought about dawn
…for I know it will come
And draw me in
And pull me forth
And……
I fly

Lessons from my dad

by BarbPosted on June 15, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

He was a strong, quiet man.  At least that’s how I remember him.  He worked, a lot.  He was the boss of a small business in a calm, quiet manner.  It was not unusual for him to bring work home and sit with it for a few hours each night.

He also worked around the house, mostly outside, in the yard.  He took care of the car, the lawn, the boat.  Once, he suspended our boat from inside the garage and re-fiberglassed the bottom….he got blood poisoning from it, but he got it done.

I never remember him outwardly angry.  He displayed anger and frustration in other ways, he got quiet.  I remember a time or two when he’d go days without talking to my mother.  That really made her angry.

He loved to be active.  He loved to boat and fish and he loved the water.

He didn’t do it often, but I loved having him brush my hair.  He was so gentle.

From him, I grew to recognize my extreme peace next to the water and in the outdoors.  I learned to take pride in my effort and to put my all into my work.  I also learned that I don’t have to make a scene when upset and that once I let it go, I can move on….

I wish my children had known him!  But they weren’t that fortunate.  He would have loved them…and they would have loved him, just as I did…just as I do.

Heal Yourself and Lose Weight

by BarbPosted on June 13, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Slimming Meals That Heal: Lose Weight without Dieting, Using Anti-inflammatory Superfoods is a comprehensive presentation of the science behind weight loss, the secret to the program, and then over 120 recipes that make can be used as part of the “Live-It” program.

Julie begins the book with an overview of why traditional diets do not work.  This section is packed with science and specifics that build a foundation of the reasons why we gain weight and a straight-forward discussion of the things that we can do to change or avoid the cycle of weight gain.  This is built around the science behind how certain foods, in certain people cause inflammation.  While this section was interesting, I have to admit that there were times that I got tired of wading through the scientific discussion.  What is great about a physical book, rather than an e-book, is that I could easily skim this section and come back and reread for a deeper understanding.

The beauty of Slimming Meals that Heal is in the cleansing progress of the program, where foods that potentially cause inflammation are gradually withdrawn from the diet, the body is given time to recover.  Then, foods may be gradually reintroduced to determine those that might be problematic.  The Live-It, rather than the diet, presents options that can be included in the eating plan so an individual does not feel like one does not feel deprived of a favorite food or taste.  Substitution and
satisfaction is the key to living with the alternative eating plan and maintaining success.  In addition, Julie presents a section on ways to counter emotional eating, including using tapping to take away the emotions that may cause negative habits.

The recipes are clear and easy to follow, include a quick menu that provides a key to the type of meal plan the recipe would fit into, and wonderfully colorful pictures of the finished item.  The ones that I’ve tried are delicious.  The only negative aspect of these recipes is that each one required a trip to the store because I did not have many of the ingredients
around my house.

This book is a beautiful resource and guide for developing an eating program that is both healthy and satisfying, one that will lead to weight-loss, over time, without dieting

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. I was not financially compensated for this post. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

I shut the door to “that’s ok”

by BarbPosted on May 31, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

It’s so unlike me, but it feels so right. I have a bad habit that when I’m presented with an option to do, rather than not do, I say, “oh, that’s ok. I’m fine.” Well you know what? It wasn’t and it isn’t.

Last night, or really this morning, I arrived in Anchorage, AK. And everything was fine until I started checking into my hotel and found that one of my wallets was missing. OMG, did my heart stop.

I got to my room and started with the phone calls, after I dumped the contents of my purse on the bed and went through it 5 times. Like it was hiding from me.

I had my wallet in Seattle. Msg left for Anchorage airport. Apparently, they don’t take calls after 5. Alaska airlines didn’t either, just told me to call back. And while I’m on the phone with the taxi company, my phone rings. Someone from the hotel apologizing for calling so late…are you kidding? Like I could sleep? A bellman found my wallet on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. And then he delivered it to me. All safe and sound.

Along with my heart stopping I had been planning on how I’d survive the next 5 days without the ability to eat. Lunch was on the conference. I’d brought protein bars…I should survive. My thighs might tell me they could feed me for a week. But I had to convince myself it was ok.

So, wallet found. This morning, after multiple people told me that I MUST take the train to Seward…so, I hopped on the train to Seward. It costs how much? Well, I already planned not to eat, so I could do it.

Well worth it. Even though it is rainy….very beautiful, worth the ride, and not something I’d have seen if I’d not done it.

Likewise, I get to the Kenai Fjords visitor center and a shuttle appears…back and forth to the park and Exit Glacier for $10. Such a deal! The words, “no, that’s ok” actually crossed my mind. What was I thinking? Who knows when, or if, I’d get here again….so I went. Amazing experience. Even though my raincoat needs a raincoat and I’m very cold and wet!

I used to sandwich “that’s ok” with no, and thank you anyway. ….but having followed that’s ok with I’d love to, has opened so many doors. Opportunities, once in a lifetime opportunities are all around, all I had to do was open the door to them and welcome them….that’s ok. Thank you! I’d love to!

How about you?

May be its a sign to move on

by BarbPosted on May 27, 2014 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Is it the person or is it the message?

I usually receive no less than 100 emails every day and that might be a very conservative estimate.  Some are spam.  Some are personal. Some are work related.  Some are the result of my insane desire to keep up with the growing list of people who share things I want to read.

But recently, I noticed that reading some of the messages bring a negative physical response.  My stomach actually clenches.  Sometimes I become angry or annoyed.  Often, I find it hard to even read the whole email.

So, I used to approach this with my typical avoidance strategy…I’ll glance at it, and keep it for later.  May be I’ll feel better about it then.  Well I can tell you, that doesn’t work so well.  It has resulted in a growing inbox with thousands of read/unread messages that I might want to get to some day…or feel that may be at least I should.

This makes me wonder, is this just another sign that its time to move on?  If I can’t take the 2 minutes to read and reply or even read and delete, then may be I shouldn’t be reading it at all.  If the message isn’t important or doesn’t resonate with me, I can just delete it.  I won’t lose anything from this action.  And, if the same thing keeps happening, if I get the same negative reaction when opening a particular individual’s emails, may be its time to move on? To un-follow or more.

My previous habits have me stuck in accepting.  Accepting that they mean well.  Accepting that there might be a message or important information in there.  Accepting that I must accept them the way they are.

What I’ve always had trouble accepting is that I’m the way that I am and I don’t have to let people who make my stomach clench invade my space, my time, and even my in-box.

Hmmm – May be its time that I accept….and move on.  What do you think?