What Keeps You Up At Night?

by BarbPosted on December 22, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

 I was never able to pull all nighters. I would try to study and instead, my thoughts would get really fuzzy. Sleep seemed to scream at me, “You can’t go on!” And I would give in. 

Movies, even funny ones, are also terrible at keeping me awake!  I remember going to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. It is quite sad but I don’t believe I ever saw the full thing. 

So, what is it, or is there anything that would keep me up all night? Being very frightened or anxious or sad. That keeps me up. But those emotions aren’t good ones to desire. 

What is SO incredible that I don’t want to put it down?  Coming up with a good idea and journaling about it. That gets into my head and keeps me awake. Oh, and laughing and dancing. Except that I don’t laugh a lot and I’m a pretty uncoordinated dancer!  

Where does that leave me?  I guess it means that I open more…and dig deeper. 

What keeps you up at night?  I’d love to know! 

But then again, I love nothing more than a great night sleep and waking up incredibly rested!

Good night!

Accept the Invitation to Wonder

by BarbPosted on December 20, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I spend a lot of times in a state of wonder.  I wonder why you did the thing(s) you did.  I wonder why you approached the problem the way you did.  I wonder what you are/were thinking?

For the things that I see outside myself, wonder can either lead to frustration or engagement.

The path to frustration comes from trying to understand something I cannot.  Like the those who consciously hurt others.  I wonder what makes them do it, but it is not something that my sense of understanding can comprehend.  I try to fit the idea with all its jagged edges into my round hole of rationalism and what the world should look like.  It doesn’t look that way, so I don’t understand.  And if I allow myself to stay there, I end up in frustration.

The path to engagement is a twist on the path to frustration because on my way there, I must suspend my own judgments and my opinions of how it should be.  On the path to engagement, I ask questions and I look for explanation, for supporting reasons, for evidence.  I may try out my understanding to determine if I’m making sense of things, the way they were intended.  I seek confirmation.  My graduate school training has led me to this type of wonder.  To developing a hypothesis and rationale and looking for evidence by which I develop and test my theory.  It makes wonder a pretty type A behavior and honestly, takes the magic out of it.

But in all the ways I’ve wondering and in all the things that I’ve wondered about, I was never invited to wonder about myself.  What would I be like if I’d not had a family?  What would I be doing now?  What gets me excited?  What if I did things differently tomorrow than I’ve ever done them before?  What if?

And if I wonder about myself, I also wonder about the world around me and that if I was different, what else would be.  I wonder!

In the days leading up to yesterday’s Power Ball drawing, which no one won, I talked to my daughter about the things that she would do if she were to win.  She talked about the practical.  She talked about the purchases.  I allowed myself to wonder.  How would my world be different if I didn’t have to worry about any of the things that I’ve worried about the past 35 years?

If my world was different, would I be different?  I wonder!

What is at the core of who I am that would stay with me, regardless of the circumstances surrounding me? How would I be seen by others then, as opposed to now? If that person is who I am in my essence, then isn’t to worthwhile acknowledging that person today?

It’s not about finding frustration that I’m not yet or always that person, it is about engaging that person in today’s reality and then wondering, what if!

Open your mind today and allow yourself to wonder!

The Myth of Being Ready

by BarbPosted on December 20, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

How many times have you heard, “Save for a rainy day!” or “Guard against the downside.”?  Both of those phrases, and many, many more, are warnings that people share out of their concern for your well being, or so they think. But they are the shrieks of those who urge you to play it small and keep risks at bay.

Back you damn temptress! I know that I would be safe if I just didn’t listen to you!

How often do you hear that from someone else?  How often is that voice coming from inside your own head?

I believe that readiness is a myth.  If I save for a rainy day, it may pour and I will never have enough.  If I only guard against the downside, I may never act.

I have learned far more from acting when I’m not ready, than I have from trying to plump my cushion in case I fall.

Through the years, I’ve taken many, many bold steps.  Some have worked….and some, have not.  I have bought houses that I was not set to pay for and – lost in the process.  I have invested in businesses and classes that haven’t paid me a dime.  I have moved to an “ideal location” only to find that I hated it two months later.  Bold moves, and unsuccessful ones.  May be I should have thought twice…or may be not.

I have moved my family to another state to get a graduate degree that I was warned I probably couldn’t complete in four years, and did.  I have worked with colleagues to earn millions in grant funding, even though I wanted to run, multiple times.  I have held it together, in the face of a lot, and I’ll leave it at that.

I have tried and I’ve come out far, far ahead through both the wins and what appeared to be the losses.  Because I’ve always learned.  May be the lesson had to hit me upside my head multiple times, but I’ve learned.  I’ve learned about others and most importantly, I’ve learned about myself.  If I had waited until I was ready…those lessons would never have come.

So, “ready” is a myth.  If I wait until I’m ready, by that time there is a chance my motivation will be lost.  Action isn’t about ready.  Action is about now.  It’s the risk I take to actually live this crazy life on my terms.  No more myths!  Here I come….ready or not!

Value the Vacation

by BarbPosted on December 18, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I am officially on vacation.  And it makes me wonder, why I have a hard time wrapping my head around “time off”.  Even though I’m off at this time, the rest of the university is not.  This means that there are still deadlines and approvals.  Work is going on that I must be part of.  So, it is really vacation?

The concept of vacation, but not really, has plagued me for a while now.  And there are a lot of reasons that it bothers me.

• I’m using my vacation time, but still “on call” …or on computer.  How is that vacation?
• Is it an expectation of my employer or just a problem with feeling that I “must”?  I think it’s a bit of both.  If a problem arises, I’m expected to handle it if it can’t be put off.  But, there is also the backlog of work that I know I’ll come back to if I don’t handle it now.
• Technology makes it so easy – to not get away!  I can pick it up at any time and handle things, through my phone, iPad, computer.  It’s always there…and isn’t that the problem?  It’s always there!

Being able to set it down and walk away is a skill.  One that technology is making more difficult to stick to.  I know people who take their vacations in remote locations, or on cruises, just so they will not be able to be contacted.  I’m not so sure that’s not a bad idea.

But it’s our mind-set that gets us most in trouble.  I have a faculty member who told me that during the break she was planning to work on several writing projects..and prepare her classes for spring.  While that sounds like a perfectly logical aspiration, our break isn’t that long.  So if it is filled with tasks and to-do’s, family and work.  What happened to the break?  Are we only worthwhile while we are producing?  I think not!  Yet, how many people do you know feel or react this way?  That they must be cranking out some work, at all times.

I think we may need to take a lesson from other countries where vacations are both valued and expected.  There is merit in walking away and shutting down.  There is merit in rejuvenating your mind.  I know that the first few days of my vacation are my most difficult.  It is as if I’m going on high-speed and the momentum is still propelling me forward.  But once that stops, I am finally able to step away.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

But regardless, I owe it to myself to be good to myself.  So do you!  Enjoy the vacation you earned!

What Now?

by BarbPosted on December 18, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — 2 Comments ↓

So my challenge is over.  Did I win anything?  Nothing material.  But I learned that I might not be able to fit in writing every day, but I can fit it in most days.  But why?  Why would I want to?  Why would I want to add something onto my plate?  I think the answer is pretty simple.  It is because I get more out of doing it, than if I didn’t.  It has brought me insights and freedom.  It has brought me some surprising connections with people who I didn’t think were listening, most importantly, me.  Did I really think that those words, all those words that roll around in my head just went unnoticed?  Well, I always heard that they were pretty powerful, but now I understand how powerful they can be.  I understand that my words will move me far better when I say them (or write them) then when they just swirl in a jumbled mess inside my head.  Do you know that feeling?  I do!  I have often thought that I’m the Queen of Jumbled Messes, crooked tiara and all.  The thoughts and the ideas just swirl and bump into one another.  They fight for space.  They fight each other for logic, or logical structure.  They fight for their right to be seen and to live.  And letting them bump into one another isn’t living.  So what now?  What now is that I’m going to write.

This post went off in a different direction than I had intended for it to go.  It bumped into an idea and became something different.  Sometimes ideas do that.  But I think that it only happens when you release the restraints and let them run.  Give them some room to move and breathe.

This idea started over  the debate, that the ideas in my head were having, over “what now?”.  I was wondering how many people who participated in the challenge would keep going and how many would be relieved that it is over and now they can put aside the pressure and the guilt.  They can participate in the holidays.  They can relax.  How do we let something that we’ve committed to for 30 days…or more…or less, how do we let it change us?  Or do we?  Have we let the experience into my soul so that I come out different.  A similar but gracefully pushed forward creature.  Or do I set it aside…with a pat on the head and a “that was nice” and retreat to the person I was before I began.  Did I give it time to grow and move, breathe and shape shift?  Did I give it time to push me and for me to push it?

I believe there are some experiences that we can set aside and walk away from, not wanting to continue engaging with the turmoil they thrust into our paths.  But other experiences reach inside.  They dance!  They draw you into the game, the artwork, the creation.  They scream your name!  And that’s when you don’t even have to wonder what is next, because you already know!

Unexpected Gifts

by BarbPosted on December 16, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — 1 Comment ↓

 And here it is, the end of the 30 day challenge.  Or is it the beginning of something more, something exciting?

When I embarked on this journey, it was because it was time to challenge myself and do something different.  It was time to commit, and yet I didn’t know how it was going to go.

Would I get started only to give up when I got behind?  Would I, again, load too much on my plate and make excuses.  This time, I did not.  This time, I stuck with it.  This time, I received a gift that was not expected…

Bradley Will, you fucking rock!

Bradley, you were the cheerleader, the explainer, the supporter, the blogger there along side us.  Your dedication to this experience was extraordinary!!!  Without you along side us, I know that I would have set this journey aside several times.  But you were there.  You were there for me and for everyone else.  That was clear.  Your voice was heard.  Your presence was felt!  You made a difference.

Bradley…thank you!

Time

by BarbPosted on December 15, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

I thought I’d have more time!

More time to plan and thoughtfully write this post.

I thought I’d have more time to shop for Christmas.

I thought I’d have more time to get my work done

-to clean my office

-to clean my house

-to…..

-to have fun.

When will I learn?

It seems that there is never enough, or at least as much as I end up needing to fit it all in.

When will I learn, that if I want to write, I can do it now.

That if I want to dance, I have to do it now.

If I want to say I love you, I better not leave it until later, and say it now.

We have enough time, for the things that we are able to do now!

They are the things that are worth it.  So, it’s all about now!  Do it!  You have the time.

It’s Not About Learning

by BarbPosted on December 15, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

9 a.m. this morning final grades were due.  Pushing the deadline until the end, in my typical do-it-later fashion, I submitted the grades under the wire.  Well, it was about 18 hours before the wire, but still.

Since that time, I’ve had at least five out of 30 students contact me about their grades.  A couple of the students contacted me, concerned that a score was missing. Those who submitted work and I failed to assess it, are definitely in the right.

But the ones that I don’t understand are those who decide that they are going to question every aspect of the grading, now that final grades are in, now that they are not perfect.

Perfect?  Is this really what we are trying to achieve?  I hope not!  They never will be perfect.  Their students will never be perfect.  And I will certainly never come close.  I hope that a search for perfection doesn’t keep me from trying and learning.  If it did, I would never be where I am now.  That really deserves repeating:  I can’t learn if I’m trying to be perfect.

And I’m left to wonder what I can do, what teachers can do, to make learning the goal, instead of the final grade.

It has to be about learning!

Without that focus and desire, mediocrity will prevail.  Good enough will be good enough, as long as I get the “A”.  We will never question, investigate, be curious.  “I don’t need to learn, just give me the A.”  Really?  No!

My daughter thinks that I’m probably a “mean teacher” because I stick to the principles I believe in.  I do not give into the student “who’s always had A’s” because he/she worked hard.

So, I’m donning my armor and bracing myself for the attack and the fight for mediocrity.  In the end, I will win.  They will try to wear me down, but I feel too strongly about learning.  If I give in, they don’t learn and in the end, after all, it really IS about the learning!

Thank you, No!

by BarbPosted on December 14, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

  
This is Pandora. She is one of the five animals, three dogs and two cats, that lives with me. She has learned that if she wants to stay near me when I’m working, she can’t bump my hands or sit on the keyboard. I’d like to think she’s helping me. Of course, she really isn’t. But, because she isn’t getting in my way, I don’t tell her “no”.  

But what do you do if someone is trying to help you and you do not want their help or like their advice?  I used to say “No Thank you”, rather quickly. But then I was called ungrateful, a bitch, or rude. 

Are we really supposed to accept help we don’t want just because it is well intentioned? Are we to go along to get along? Are we to compromise to make someone else feel good?

NO!  Thank you, but NO! NO, No, no!

It is not my job to make you feel good. It is not my responsibility to do things your way because you offer. It is not up to me to say yes, just because you ask or offer nicely. 

Not saying what I thought, because of potentially hurting someone else’s feelings got me into a world of deep shit for far too long. 

So, I’m not going to be rude, but I will be firm. Thank you, no.  And no means NO!

Doing the Hard but Necessary

by BarbPosted on December 14, 2015 Posted in Uncategorized — No Comments ↓

Believe it or not, pursuing and achieving a Ph.D. wasn’t hard.  It wasn’t easy either.  But it was a means to an end.  It was the work that I needed to do to continue doing the work that I was enjoying the hell out of – teaching at a university.

I have now taught at a university for the better part of the last 25 years.  I find that fact to be incredible because it is longer than I have done anything and over the last nine years I have chaired a department.  Again, it is the longest that I have held any one job.  And it is also not hard, while at the same time it isn’t easy.

There have been several times over the last four-five years that I’ve wondered if I should move on and haven’t.  Timing and situation haven’t yet aligned for the right opportunity.  Now, however I think it might be time to make the push for the right opportunity.  It may not be easy to find a new position but, it won’t be something I consider to be hard.

So, if none of the things above are hard, what is?  This!  This is hard.  Peeling back the layers to what lies inside and writing about it.  That is hard.  Pushing on when I have felt like there’s nowhere to go.  That is hard.  Unraveling the person I always knew was hidden within…that was hard.  They were all hard because they did not come with a road map.  I didn’t have a template or a formula to follow.  It was trekking into the land of the unknown.  But to find and create who I am today, to untwist and unravel the messed up pieces, to find the confidence that I never knew I had, the hard work was more than worth it, it was necessary.

What is your necessary work?  It doesn’t have to be clear to you now and its usually revealed because where you are leaves you deeply unsettled.  It’s like watering fertile soil.  Something will grow and in the end, it, you will be beautiful!