I could cry
I wish
I want to feed the emotion,
but I can’t. I don”t.
Instead, I draw back. Not willing to pull forward. To draw in.
And yet, I wonder why at the same time I know the truth and the depth and the reality…..
i AM scared.
to be
to feel
to draw in – instead of pull away.
I pull away
As in fear. As in joy.
I fucking pull away from joy
WOW!
I inhale
I pull close
I draw in!
Little by little, I’m trying to plan for Thanksgiving. Tonight, I did a once through deep clean (at least as deep as my clean’s get) and got the table, with the extra leaf, in place.
At the grocery store, I started to pick up some of the things that I’m going to need. BBQ sauce and Apricot preserves for the meatballs that always precede the main meal. Rolls. Stuffing. I’m slowly checking things off the list. The turkey will probably be purchased this weekend and ingredients for my mother’s squash casserole. Everything as it’s always been.
But only a few weeks ago, I was debating whether to just take everyone out to eat. Find a buffet. Pay. Easy! I should, I thought. But you can see where that got me…changing my mind. Now wanting to change the tradition. So when is it OK to change or break a tradition? Do you have to wait until it feels right or do you just have to plunge ahead?
As a young child, Thanksgivings were at my aunt and uncles. After breakfast we would head over and spend the day. They had a great house on the lake and everyone would sit around, tell stories, hang out. There were smiles and food. Over the years, the group changed. My cousin grew up. My aunt and uncle divorced. My mother, well, she didn’t “do” Thanksgiving. So as a teenager, our family Thanksgivings became the beach or the Keys. I could understand my parents wanting to do something special because it was also their anniversary, so our tradition became a family vacation…until I graduated from college.
That year, the one after I was on my own, was the first time I cooked a turkey. It was my first Thanksgiving dinner. And every year for the last 30 plus, I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Locations have changed. Family has changed. My parents are no longer around. My three children have been born and are now grown. My husband and I are no longer together. And yet, it’s Thanksgiving. And I am planning to prepare the same meal that I have for SO many years!
I tried to change the tradition this year. I really thought about it. But in the end, the pull was too strong! I could not yet give it up. I dream of one day going on a trip. Escaping to the mountains. Or Italy. But not yet, and may be never. But I hope that I will pass this baton onto the next generation, to carry forward as they see fit. (And I hope that I won’t be one to judge.)
So my son is here. My youngest arrives tonight. My middle daughter and my grand puppies will get here on Wednesday. My ex-husband and his girlfriend will also be part of the day.
Traditions. Sometimes even when it’s time, they bend before they break!
The actual title is Thighs, Disappointment, and Owning my shit! But I thought that it might get banned in a few countries, not to mention deleted by at least half of my relatively small group of followers. Oops, let the cat out of the bag….you might want to escape now!
Let me say that one of the reasons that I joined this challenge is to let my shit fly. I want to flirt with the idea that I can have fun with this. I want to tantalize and toy with the skeptic in me that says that work needs to be serious and hard. I want to engage…actively engage…in fucking play and fun! And honestly, I’m not getting paid so in that sense it’s not work, but neither is it distasteful. I love this shit!
One of the reasons, the mental reasons, tied to obesity is the idea that the person who is overweight, does so to protect themselves. Because of some previous event, either known or unknown, the person finds comfort and safety in overeating and in being overweight. Segue to, my thighs. I have been overweight for pretty much all of my life. Not to the point of OMG, because many who looked at me just thought I was a “BIG girl”. Well hello! I’m not! Yes, I’m tall, but if you look at my wrists and my ankles, you pretty much can see that, well…they are small. That stuff around my ass…its just fat. Big girl my ass! LOL! Precisely – I can use the excuse to hide, but in my case it is the layer or layers that is and has always protected me.
Now, let me talk about disappointment. I get disappointed in myself. I get disappointed in others. Mostly, I get disappointed that I don’t stand up for myself and get strangled by the perception of what I think others expect from me. Mostly my children – and my family – and my job – and my friends – and my employees – and my….OH MY! I hide from what I perceive to be the expectation of others. And it feeds it way right into my thighs.
OH MY!
And so what can I do about it? I can continue to hide behind the meals and the chocolate and the late night cocktails and sweets…or, I can own it. I can love myself enough to say, “I’ve been broken. And I take responsibility for hiding and being fearful, and living the way I thought you wanted me to. But now I’m going to put the pieces back together and I am going to OWN MY SHIT!” Yes, I am.
Owning it means that I will not blame someone or something else for disappointment of myself or disappointment that I believe you will have in me. Owning it means that I am not going to fault my genetics or my moods for the inches around my thighs. Owning it means that it is on me, whatever it is. And from here out, I own my shit. I own my disappointment. I own my hope and future direction. And, I own my thighs…the shape they are today, and the shape that I can create them in the future. Disappointment does not get to choose…I do! Owning it. I’m 95% there.
Do you have something(s) that you need to give yourself permission for?
As I lay awake last night at 2, 3, 4 a.m., with my journal beside my bed, countless thoughts came together magically and created a kind of virtual burlesque. They were all pretty sexy, with the peak of each thought seducing me to turn on my light and write. Clearly, they were more tantalizing than the sleep that should have been waiting for me!
Through the self-created light show, I realized that each and every flick was strengthening my resolve and the muscle I needed to give myself permission. And now to capture it here and to act on it.
I give myself permission to fill this page with “word vomit”, conscious streams of thought that flow from my mind to my fingers. And as this vomit is spewing forward, I give myself permission to rid myself of my demons and grow lighter through the release. (Sorry! That was quite a leap from sexy burlesque to spewing vomit.)
I give myself permission to let go of the critical asshole voice that hovers in my head and over my fingers. The voice that always tells me it’s not good enough, strong enough, structured enough…not f’ing whatever enough. Oh yea, and “What will THEY think?” To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert from Big Magic, that voice can join me on the ride but from here out I’m expecting it to sit there and shut it.
That leads me to the third thing I give myself permission for. I give myself permission to fuck up in any way I so choose! Take that all you finger wagging fear mongers and those who say that I shouldn’t dare! While I may get bruised in the process, I may also like it. Playing safe is for sissies!
I give myself permission to be afraid as I’m going for it. But I do not give myself permission to let it stop me. Back to the words of Elizabeth Gilbert but also to the wisdom of Nancy Levin who says, “Resistance is an invitation to reconnect to your desire.”
Finally, I give myself permission to love what I do and get pleasure from it. Permission to make a commitment to that pleasure and desire, and to being tuned-in and turned-on! I give myself permission to strip away the heavy obligations and to indulge in tasks that are rich and delicious or to play with the onerous ones until they change their appearance and become so.
Permission. Let’s open the door and see where it leads!
Do you know those people who say, “Do something for 21 days and you’ll form a habit.”? Well, that’s not me. In fact, do something for six months and it still may not be a habit. After three months I’ve forgotten what the goal was or I’m looking to cheat on it…and the more I cheat, the farther away I get. After six months, I’ve had enough time to forget where I was going, why I wanted to go there, and to make up excuses as to why it wasn’t a well planned strategy in the first place.
My biggest, most profound actions have always been the result of full committal to one, possibly insane, but relatively short-termed goal and then, moving the goal and the goal post and re-committing. Take weight loss. I have never had luck saying that I’m going to lose 20 lbs. Instead, I string in front of me a long list of carrots. Weigh yourself daily and don’t gain any weight from one day to the next. Go to the gym every day the first week. Eat paleo one week. Eat vegan the next. Shake. Don’t shake. Give up alcohol for two weeks. Clearly, some carrots are more motivating than others. Let me find something that works, something that makes me feel like I’m winning, then I get a surge of endorphins…the little motivators that keep my mind on go.
When something gets old though, that’s when it stops working. So for example, take going to the gym. I signed up. I scheduled a trainer. And then broke my foot. Not to be deterred, I worked to adapt my expected routine to accomplish what I could. All the while, cursing my body for betraying me. I was able to set a goal that I would complete my adapted work-out every day over the course of a two-week business trip. And except for one day, I met my goal. But what happened upon returning was something I didn’t quite expect. When I got home and the goal was no longer looming and I had more time and flexibility to get in my workouts, over the next two weeks I went only half the time. I expected my goal to sustain me, but instead I made excuses and found all the reasons that I should be doing other things, why I shouldn’t focus in my goal. In reality, the conditions had changed and the goal needed to change as well.
So, I’m a day late getting started on a 30-day blog challenge. I’m setting a goal to stick to, for now, this one, insane act. But when the conditions around me change, as they will with the coming holidays and my children coming and going, I know that I will serve myself better setting mini-goals and keeping that goal post moving. So, here’s to writing at 2:30 a.m., if that’s what it takes. And oh yes, losing 10 lbs during the next 30-days. It’s just another goal post.
How did I get to be the manager of 150+ people? I seriously did not EVER set out to do this! I wanted to contribute. I wanted to do good work. I wanted to….. what? you want me to be an administrator? Sure…ugh… I guess
I want to be the one who holds the space for good work. I want to hold the space and expectation for everyone to be the best they can be. And in holding that space…we ALL are better!!! Both you, and the group. Do you get it?
Instead of holding the space for the departmental expectation, can’t I be the one who supports you in achieving your dreams? I think that’d be cool!
No? (sigh)
So, as a round about way to approach the subject of, “how cool is this”, it just so happens that I leave for Melbourne (Australia) today. I get to be a part of an international collaborative around initial teacher preparation. …….. HOW COOL IS THAT!?! I am super excited and yet I have been super hesitant to tell anyone. And when I tell them, I down play it.
Looking at this behavior, that is absolutely awful!! I need to own my successes. OWN IT!!
So…. I packed and in doing so, I questioned whether I wanted a pair of shoes or ONE LEFT SHOE? The right foot is still in the air boot.
In most cases I decided on just one shoe. I have a pair of shoes, but only half of the pair will make the trip.
In some ways, it seems to be a metaphor for how I’ve been going through life. Only half way in, only half committed. I think in that way, I could always get back out, retreat to safety. Easier half way than if I was all way.
Well…what can we really accomplish if we are all in? Those left shoes are packed and in that discomfort, I’m moving forward…to own and make the best of it all! It’s a strange feeling and brand new world…and I’m going to rock those left shoes!!
I want to get this out…out of my mind and onto the paper (screen). I don’t have it well thought through so I hope I don’t ramble too much…
About a month and a half ago, I decided to stop being upset…unfulfilled…unhappy. I decided to stop looking for validation that I was doing the right thing and to instead, just do my own thing, my own way. Well, kind of. I DO work within an organization and can’t just go all rogue. Although some times I’d like to.
The process started well enough, and then little things started getting in my way. Glitches with work…well, a new program that is making my life a nightmare. And just as I was getting my workout craze started…my foot broke. Just snapped. I felt let down. Let down by my body. But, in spite of it all, I’ve kept going, kept pushing.
After some initial disappointment with circumstances not supporting me, I took my decisions in hand and boldly continued forward. I kept a positive attitude. I pushed ahead. I started working out (as much as I could on my broken foot). So what happened?
I feel or felt back on track. Weight started going down. Feeling stronger and more positive (those exercise endorphins are awesome). And things were progressing at work.
Until I stopped myself.
Whoa Nellie! Yup, just put on my self-sabotage hat and pulled up the reigns. Nothing overly horrible but…the past four days, in spite of outward positive actions, I’ve sabotaged my eating – so even though I’ve worked out more and harder, I’ve lost no more weight. And worse, I’ve let that negative voice inside my head get very loud and repetitive. She’s had out her pom-poms and megaphone and cheerfully twisted even the simplest event or phrase into something negative.
Frankly, it has sucked! And I’ve wanted to hide. To hide from the pain. To keep away from it. To keep from moving forward. Oh, and I have a big trip and huge opportunity in the near future…and I’m sticking my head in the sand.
Then it hit me…as I move forward, I don’t know what it looks like…out there. Even though I want to be the “perfect weight”, I don’t know what that feels like. Even though I want to live the “ideal life”, I don’t know what that looks like. Even though want to “be fabulous”, I’m much more used to not being so. So in the words of Gay Hendricks, I was upper-limiting myself.
I saw a great saying, “You didn’t come this far to only come this far.”
So with that, my boots are back on and I’m back in the saddle. I want to really see how far I can go because apparently, I’m the only one who can stop me.
I found that I was waiting. How embarrassing is that?! I was waiting for someone else to give me permission to live. I was waiting for someone else to see me and say, “Hey! That’s good work. Have you thought about doing this next?” I was waiting for those words. In reality, I’ve probably been waiting all my life.
I find that the more I wait, the more I find myself craving certainty. But with certainty, I get bored. So the boredom pushes me to explore and try a new.
I fear being a disappointment and a failure. I fear even more the thought of not getting approval and at the same time waiting…waiting and not living.
So, since I only really have to get approval from myself, I’m giving myself approval to stop waiting and to live.
It’s not about can’t. I’m all in. No more waiting….
I’ve been wanting to dive back into the this space, to create a new place that fulfills the things I imagine this to be.
I’ve been wanting to dive back in, but have let everything and nothing get in the way.
I’ve been wanting to dive back in with lots to say and yet nothing important enough to get me started.
tonight, I read that Dr. Wayne Dyer passed away. I’m sad and at the same time feel blessed. I can’t ramble on and do his memory justice, but I can recognize that we only have today.
So here I go, I’m diving in!!!
Thank you Dr. Dyer! Thank you for your light and your love. Thank you for sharing your light in your human existence and for the future when you will continue to guide us.
and as for me…I’ve only got this second! It’s not about can’t – I’m here and showing up – I’m all in!!!
Yes, I know that 7 weeks has 49 days. And I know that in my last post I thought it might extend until 8 weeks. But here it is, day 37 and I think that for me, this journey is over. Well, it isn’t really! I mean, the journey is only really over when you let it be. What I mean is that I’m kickin’ it into a new phase.
So, my trips are complete (the one’s in the 7 weeks). I got my daughter settled at college, more or less. Oh yes, I could write pages about the images that went through my head when I delivered my 18-year-old to her off-campus apartment, the counter and refrigerator filled with more alcohol than I have, and she was left in the vastness….alone! Her roommates decided that they would retain their rights and pay but go home and elsewhere. She is left to the 4 bedroom, 3 story townhouse….by herself. At the very least I felt that I had prepared her slightly. Knew she could handle herself. Bought her pepper spray. Told her to make sure the doors were always locked. And warned her not to drink their alcohol…that it wouldn’t make a good first impression.
And for the past 2 months, I have looked and looked for that perfect apartment that would take me closer to work and closer to the beach. l have concluded, that it does not exist!
So today, I decided to renew my lease. To seek one more year in the apartment that I don’t really love and that is far too far away from work.
But, here’s what I gained! I am relaxed for the first time in weeks. I know what I have and I know that I can afford it. I know that staying here will allow me to venture in directions that I’ve been longing to wander! I know that I am choosing to stop banging against a wall and to instead build a different road. I know that I have wanted, more than anything, to live by the beach. I haven’t abandoned that, but rather postponed it for a time when I can enjoy it.
So, as long as I get that lease that my landlord’s property manager promised to send, (the woman better come through), my path is turning to a new and more interesting direction, and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next corner!!
