Do you fear the thing that you dream of most? or What’s your why?

The other day, someone asked me if I was continuing to write and post on my site.  Clearly, he didn’t care enough to have actually looked…but my namby-pamby response about all that I had going on and was trying to figure out fell on deaf ears and he simply said, “It’s all about priorities.”

Priorities.  Simple right?  Well, sometimes I think that it’s easier to state a desire than it is to move toward one.

What was or am I trying to do with my writing?  I want to make an impact and have a message.  Well, I better get over that!  I can only control whether I write or not.  I can’t control how others receive or react to it!

Why hasn’t it been “enough of a priority”?  That question is a bit harder to answer.  So I wondered, “What’s my why?”  Why am I doing this?  This isn’t the same as the last question.  I write because I feel called to do so.  I write because it makes me feel more whole and better about myself.  I write whether I do it in private or in public.

So, when I combine and consider the last two questions I come up with a new one.  What if, the reason that I haven’t been posting as much….just what if, the thing that I dream of the most is actually the thing that I fear?  I don’t know whether that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes a hell of a lot of sense to me.  I don’t know what the thing that I dream of most actually looks like.  I don’t know the steps that I must take to get there.  For that matter, I don’t know that it will ever happen.  So, what if my fear is the thing that is keeping me from moving toward the thing that I dream about most?  And now that I know that, what can I do about it?

The answer is really simple, I can love myself in spite of it.

Every time I recognize a boulder, a barrier, if I don’t beat myself up and just love myself instead, I make that boulder a lot smaller, a lot easier to set aside.  And today, that helps me to accept that its OK not to know…and to be a little bit afraid because I don’t know.  I can embrace the risk, because the fact is that I feel better when I write than when I don’t.  So that, in and of itself, is a good enough reason to do it.