Even if, not this…

I laughed when the image I chose was the same as my last post, over a month ago. Sorry not to have kept you informed. 

Proabaly what’s worse is that I broke my promise to take you on this journey with me. 

Forgive me?

I stopped writing because I was in a few search positions and got out. I had another pop up and found it intriguing and yet another reappear from a year ago. (These are dean positions at universities). I was afraid to proclaim I didn’t want something and then accept it. I was afraid to be write something and then not get it because of something I wrote…some f*** that moment or comment that was part of me but my perspective employer thought might not reflect them. Pretty twisted logic (though I’m sure some won’t think so)!  

It is in compromising my truth that I have found myself lost. 

It is only through shedding the bullshit that I can lead with honesty and integrity. (Trying out this line here. Let’s see how it flies next week at our state leadership workshop!)

But I’m “coming out” here before I reveal the truth to friends, family, and prospective employer, and those who know the turmoil I’ve been going through….Even if not this….doesn’t mean that.  And if you are wide eyed at my “coming out” statement, settle yourself. It just means that I’m going to get real. 

The reason I didn’t write was over a dean job I wasn’t sure I wanted. Public academia in eastern Tennessee can be pretty intimidating. This was after I’d jumped out of semi-finalist pools in Mississippi and California. Not right…not right. Tennessee seemed to be not the right place, but the right job. So I held my breathe. In the end, I wasn’t right for them. 

So as luck or timing would have it, a job I was a finalist for last year reappeared. They called me up. They brought me for a visit. They made me an offer. An offer that would increase my current salary almost Forty K  ….ipad went crazy… so no numbers. Anyway….I wanted that job last year and it was offered to someone else. I wanted to move to the area …big move…. I wanted to want that job!!!

But I’m here to say, just because I want something exciting and different doesn’t mean I compromise and accept what I don’t want, even if it comes with a big raise. 

Even if I don’t want this, doesn’t mean I want that. 

Throughout my life, I’ve done a lot of accepting this because it’s an offer and it’s not that. I’ve done a lot of saying, I know it’s not right but in a year I’ll change it…and never do. 

So….this is about as real as this girl gets and it’s scary to turn it down. Oh, and by the way, it’s not the move or being away from my family or fear that I can’t do the job or missing the folks I’ve grown fond of here. I’m good with all that. But I can’t take a job, at this point in my life, where it is not a full body, all in, hell yes. Sigh. I just can’t do it. I will not compromise. So even if not this….