I’m the one who can stop me

I want to get this out…out of my mind and onto the paper (screen).  I don’t have it well thought through so I hope I don’t ramble too much…

About a month and a half ago, I decided to stop being upset…unfulfilled…unhappy.  I decided to stop looking for validation that I was doing the right thing and to instead, just do my own thing, my own way.  Well, kind of.  I DO work within an organization and can’t just go all rogue.  Although some times I’d like to.

The process started well enough, and then little things started getting in my way.  Glitches with work…well, a new program that is making my life a nightmare.  And just as I was getting my workout craze started…my foot broke.  Just snapped.  I felt let down.  Let down by my body.  But, in spite of it all, I’ve kept going, kept pushing.

After some initial disappointment with circumstances not supporting me, I took my decisions in hand and boldly continued forward.  I kept a positive attitude.  I pushed ahead.  I started working out (as much as I could on my broken foot).  So what happened?

I feel or felt back on track.  Weight started going down.  Feeling stronger and more positive (those exercise endorphins are awesome). And things were progressing at work.

Until I stopped myself.

Whoa Nellie!  Yup, just put on my self-sabotage hat and pulled up the reigns.  Nothing overly horrible but…the past four days, in spite of outward positive actions, I’ve sabotaged my eating – so even though I’ve worked out more and harder, I’ve lost no more weight.  And worse, I’ve let that negative voice inside my head get very loud and repetitive.  She’s had out her pom-poms and megaphone and cheerfully twisted even the simplest event or phrase into something negative.

Frankly, it has sucked!  And I’ve wanted to hide.  To hide from the pain.  To keep away from it.  To keep from moving forward.  Oh, and I have a big trip and huge opportunity in the near future…and I’m sticking my head in the sand.

Then it hit me…as I move forward, I don’t know what it looks like…out there.  Even though I want to be the “perfect weight”, I don’t know what that feels like.  Even though I want to live the “ideal life”, I don’t know what that looks like.  Even though want to “be fabulous”, I’m much more used to not being so.  So in the words of Gay Hendricks, I was upper-limiting myself.

I saw a great saying, “You didn’t come this far to only come this far.”

So with that, my boots are back on and I’m back in the saddle.  I want to really see how far I can go because apparently, I’m the only one who can stop me.