It’s been a long time since I sighed

I caught myself, just a few minutes ago, sighing out of contentment, and acknowledgement. Hearing the sound, and then the feeling that came with it made me realize, that it’s been a long time since I sighed.

Sighing used to be my coping mechanism. It was a complete physical and mental action. It started after a period of shallow breathing and then would come the long, slow, deep inhale. It was like I was taking my numb body and filling it with as much oxygen as it could hold. Then after holding my breathe, I would gratefully let it flow back out to the world. A flow that was an avalanche of air. Along with the flow, my shoulders would relax and my chest would release. There would also be that sound…”Mmmmhhhhhhh……” Not a pleasant noise, but one of frustration, exasperation, and release.

I used to do this so much, that my family hated it! They didn’t hesitate to let me know….stop that! I got to the point where I could no longer feel the frustration. But I experienced the release. The temporary relaxation. It was cathartic, and sometimes felt necessary. Meanwhile, those who had come to rely on me as strong and competent only found it annoying, and did not care why I did it, only that it go away.

Sighing was a voice to the unspoken tension and feelings that had built up and could find nowhere to go. That is what it used to be.

It’s been a long time since I sighed that way. I no longer feel I need to. I shed it without even realizing it was gone. I’ve changed my life, and thus my need to sigh. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still in transition. But now I find that my sighs are far different. They are contented. They are calm. They are an expression of my newly nourished self. …..and I sigh….”ahhhhhhhhhh..” but this time with gratitude.