It’s not about the chocolate

Three days into my purposeful pursuit and I’m doing fabulous…kind of. 

I have to begin with a brag.  Yesterday I worked out on my own – 60 squats, 840 ab exercises of various types, and 20 minutes or cardio. Today, I worked with the trainer. He killed me on leg extensions (again), bicep and tricep exercises and crunches. I finished with anothe 20 minutes of cardio. 

At 55 I’m doing what I wouldn’t let my 40 or even my 30 year old self do, and that’s push past the point where I say, “you’ve done well girl! Now to relax.” Or “you can eat it, you deserve it.”

Let me make something clear. I’m not doing this because I have a bad self image or because I’m trying to prove something. I’m focusing on myself and my health because I never have before. At least, I never have for any length of time. 

So, what about testing myself?  What about the chocolate?

  
Yesterday I caught myself grabbing for the chocolate. Twice. Having not slept much the night before, the first time I grabbed it, for energy, a sugar boost. I knew what I was doing. I knew that I neither needed it, it’s not a required food group, nor really wanted it, but I did it anyway. Two small pieces. In the big picture, not such a big deal. 

The second time was also for energy but also as a reward. It had been a stressful day, I was tired, I came out of a positive meeting and there was that bowl at the corner to my boss’ office…I grabbed two. 

It wasn’t a box of cookies. It wasn’t a pint of ice cream. It won’t kill me….but it wasn’t about the chocolate. As I consciously abandoned my resolve to satisfy an urge, I realized that I was using it to feel good.  If it made me feel good, then it must be ok. And it wasn’t that big….do you know how much sugar four small bars add up to?  Too much!  

It’s the unconscious that we give into that sabotages our greater purpose. It’s wanting to feel love (in the form or a chocolate bar), it’s wanting a reward, it’s wanting a quick fix…it’s all the reasons that we forget about the goal and gently sabotage ourselves with the treat that really isn’t about the treat at all. It’s about something deeper. 

In that sense, my working out and watching what I eat isn’t about wanting to be thin, although that will be an added bonus, it’s about giving to myself and knowing that I deserve it, rather than setting it aside after I’ve gone part way. 

So, I’m part way to the new me.  No set goal as far as that goes because it’s not about reaching a destination. As the layers and inches shift and oh so slowly melt, they reveal many more that still need to go.  Damn!  Lol!  But it’s not about a size or a weight or the chocolate. For now it’s about allowing myself to pursue what feels good, and is good, for me. 

Three more purposeful days to pursue this passion. That’s for this week.  And then I’ll rest a day and start again. So as I finish this week strong, I’m going to think about what I can add to passionately pursue next week.  Any ideas?