It’s Not About the Directions

I was thinking about my life as if it was spread out across some kind of map, or blue print.  The dots connected.  The path highlighted.  Like it was framed as a step-by-step, sequential set of actions and activities.  Hell no! ….Hell F**king NO!  May be it was (supposed to be) laid out that clearly, but I never knew where it was leading or how to follow the directions.

Have you ever felt like this?  I want to accomplish something but I’m just not sure what?  That’s pretty much my story.  It’s like going to the store to get some milk and when you get there you realize that you need eggs if you are going to make breakfast.  But then on your way home you remember that your only skillet was destroyed last week and now you have to go get one of those.  And then you go home briefly to cook what is a less than satisfying meal and to remember that you have no dish soap and ….out you go again.

Yup, that’s been me.  One thing leads to the next.  I’ve never had a grand vision or plan, but the trips home have never allowed me to stay there for long.  They have sent me out again and searching.

Sometimes I followed a road map of my own making and one that was only a temporary creation.  It also was kind of torn apart so that it didn’t move forward, the road was torn off, and there was no place to go but back.  That’s what happened when I ventured into the arena of corporations wanting to “do” education.  After a series of interviews, I talked to a good number of people who were as passionate about changing the face of calculators in education as I was…(yes, you heard that right), and they created a job for me.  Unfortunately, their vision was not as far-reaching nor as flexible as mine was because within a year I saw them donning corrective lenses to see the future.  Then six months later I started checking my rear-view and side mirrors to protect against oncoming traffic.  They didn’t like me telling them that given the constraints they implemented that they no longer needed my position.  They argued against me until I caught them trying to plot my demise.  Good thing I was on my toes because I came out alive.  But had spent so much time looking around me, I forgot to look forward.  And all I could do was to go back to where I was before it began.

So it’s not about the roadblocks and detours, but about how you pack for the journey.  Pack light and plan for the alternate routes.  No, I take that back.  Don’t plan.  Don’t look more than a few steps ahead.  At least that’s what I’ve done and it turns out that at this point, its serving me well.  There are always options.  When you need to find one, pick swiftly and go.

I look for the next best opportunity.  The map to the end doesn’t matter because that may not be where I end up going.  Do you every feel like you need to have it all spelled out before you?  That you need to plan for every contingency…twice?  I want to assure you, you don’t.

The one thing that I’ve not done enough of (and this is laughable for many who know my story) is to take the next bold risk.  That big, brash, ballsy move.  That set your pants on fire and accelerate against the opposition move.   I’ve done a lot and yet I’ve been pretty conservative, usually weighing the options and hedging my bets.  I don’t plan and yet I guard against risk.  I wonder what will happen if I don’t behave so cautiously?  Or when I don’t?

Now, I’m sure that many would see my life as a complete failure.  A waste of potential.  A lot of possibility that never materialized.  But from where I sit right now in the middle of this journey, It’s pretty damn glorious!  I’m burning what’s left of the road map and following the next perfect rainbow, glorious sunset, and promising sunrise after that.  Join me?