Let the healing begin

Please!  I’m ready…really, really ready!

I’m tired of being angry!  I’m exhausted with keeping my guard up and my walls strong to protect me from those who don’t care they exist…because they want their piece of me.

I want a hug!  And a good cry – and a hug!  I want someone to hold me and pick up my broken pieces to keep them safe, knowing that when I’m well enough, I’ll put them together again.

I’m tired of being bitter.  I’m tired of the fight.  I’m tired of having to keep up appearances and a brave face and …forge on regardless.

I’m tired of being told not to feel…to just ignore it…to get my job done – regardless…tired of hearing your troubles or deal with the things that are falling down around you.

Today, they are falling down around me.

I can feel it in my head…and the pit of my stomach.  My mind glazes over, unable to focus on a task.  My stomach, well its just twisted into knots.  I feel like a zombie…numb….not wanting to move or go forward or back.

And I resent it.  The troubles seem to follow the good nights, when I think its all behind me.  The twists, the turns, the ups, the downs…the look at me/him now, did you know that his life is falling apart?  …just thought I’d share.  But if you respond, I’ll let you know you shouldn’t.

It is draining me right now.  I’d like to cry…but I have no time.  Besides, that would be feeling sorry for myself.  That would be feeling…and feeling is weak.    I’d like to be able to focus and work.  But I’m afraid that if I do, the cold-hearted bitch is the only thing that will ever be seen again.  I’d like to take care of myself, but there are too many things calling my attention that what I need…the real self compassion, will have to wait for another day – or week.

May be….or I can curl up in my bed and hug my dogs and cats.

Even though I may not know where it’s coming from, let the healing begin!