Make a Wish

It’s  my  birthday,  or  it  was  a few days  ago.

Do you still make wishes when you blow out the candle?  I found myself savoring the flame and meanwhile my panicked mind was thinking, “I’ve got to get this wish just right.”  And then it went into static mode.  You know, white noise.

At the tender age of “knocking on 60’s door”, on most days I accept that there is no perfect.  Can I say that again?  THERE IS NO PERFECT!  There is only right now.  While meditating on the question, “What is the best thing in my life right now?” I came up with a lot of thoughts about the past and future but in the end accepted that the best thing in my life right now was the moment I was in.  I have to admit that it was pretty good being on my back patio, with my animals, all of us enjoying the fresh air … and no disruption.  But that moment is no longer this one.  So, I ask the question again,  “What is the best thing in my life right now?” My now answer is that I’m writing this.

I’ve been having a hard time getting started, or restarted (writing).  There is a lot I want to say about a lot of different things.  It’s like a 2 year old creating a picture.  Kind of all over the place.  I wondered if I’ve been waiting on the perfect words, the perfect plan.  May be.  But I’ve also been holding onto my ideas as though they are precious pearls that I will lose if I let them out of my head.  When they are out of my head, they will no longer be mine.  Hmmm.

Part of what’s been holding me up the last couple of years is that I’ve been on the job market.  The hiring seasons have brought me various levels of success.  I’ve had lots of interviews and even some offers.  In the end, I’m still here.  I work in a world where I am judged for my words…and my ideas….and who I am friends with… and what I wear … and how fast I answer their emails.  But the point is that I am judged.  (I’m not sure where that isn’t the case, but still.)  And when I’ve been confronted by haters both internally as well as search firms who wag their fingers and send strong warnings to scrub all social media, I’ve backed away.  My current college is going through a search for a new dean.  One of the finalist’s has a website, CloakingInequity.com.  He’s shaking up the landscape.

I think I’ll stop being shy.

The last two nights I watched Brene Brown’s Netflix special.  (sorry, I don’t know how to get the accent on the last e) She is who I aspire to be…if she wasn’t younger than me. She is an academic.  But she is also a writer and a speaker.  And she talks about tough things.  She is freaking amazing.  She says that vulnerability is showing up when we aren’t certain of the outcome.

I think I’ll stop worrying so much.

For now, I have a vague idea of where I want this road to lead.  It’s not locked in stone and I’m certainly not sure of the exact steps.  But for today, its enough to just show up and be seen.

Where do you want to go?  Pretend its your birthday and make a wish!