Receiving

Can you receive?  Until the last year, I wasn’t very good at it…at all!  If someone asked me what I needed, I would say, “nothing”.  If I was paid a compliment, I would deflect it.  Slowly, that is all turning around.

Welcome the holiday season and my old habits are flooding back in.  I can think of many things that I can give my friends and family.  I can think of a lot of things to do, presents to buy, and bring smiles to their faces.  But I can’t bring myself to tell them, “Hey, here is what I would like to receive.”

And then there are the sly voices.  Tonight, while picking up some Christmas gifts, I also got myself a couple of things.  I’m going to leave the details out because, well, you know…I do not want to give away what I bought anyone.  So anyway, as I was getting ready to pay I thought, gee…may be I shouldn’t get myself anything.  Then I wondered if I was too extravagant or frivolous.  Did I really NEED it?

Growing up, we were never poor, but I developed the attitude that I didn’t need anything and that I could “do without” unless of course it was a bargain.  And good sales were OK.  It became SO bad that I didn’t need anything, including a compliment or kind word.  And when I received them, I was uncomfortable.

For years, I perpetuated this in my marriage.  I gave to my kids and I gave to my husband.  The only time that I could justify giving to myself was when it was either a bargain or it was helping someone else in the long run.  Of course, it didn’t help that I had others who would feed this feeling.  “All you want is a new pair of shoes.” (by the way, they were PayLess) “You’re going away for work?  You should take me!” So that feeling that I didn’t need to do things for myself, yea, others were there with me. So, it must be true.

Well, it’s not.  It is just as important to learn to receive as it is to give.  It is important to learn to be gracious.  It is important to learn appropriate limits.  It is important to learn that I am worth it.

So tonight when I found the old doubts creeping in.  When I found myself wondering if I should or if I needed it, I had to remind myself, with love, that although it might not be a necessity, there was also nothing wrong with giving to myself and receiving with gratitude.

Do you ever find yourself strangling away your own joy?  If so, lovingly remind yourself that just as you want others to receive, you are every bit as deserving of the gift of receiving as well.