Rewriting past Stories

Cue the sound effects!  

(Neighhhhhhhh) (Pppppppp)

The sound of a horse could be heard across the parking lot, down the hall, or around the corner.  But it wasn’t a horse, but the boys.  They would see me coming and they would neigh, whinny, bray…. And sometimes follow it with “Ohhhhh, Wilbur!”

That’s a very dated reference to the TV Sitcom, Mr. Ed.  Clearly I’m showing my age.  Ed was the talking horse and Wilbur was his owner. (you can Google it)

Sigh….

On Groundhog Day I asked myself, “What have you allowed that you never want to repeat again?”

The answer, I never want to compromise who I am, or my feelings, to be accepted by others.  Whether it was in school, in a job, or in a relationship.  It is too big of a price to pay.

So, the scenario above occurred over two or three years while in high school.  It started with several boys from the swim team and then spread to others.  Which others?  I don’t remember.  But with plans of a high school reunion swirling about, the events came back to me…and hit me hard.

As a teenage girl, wanting desperately to fit in or at the least be accepted, I decided to go along with the boys’ joke.  When the swim team got shirts my Junior year, I had “Wilbur” put on the back of mine.

HA! HA!  If they could laugh at me, then I could laugh at me too.  Maybe then they would see me as OK.

Nope!  It didn’t work.  The Neighing continued.  And the hole in my gut that opened every time I heard it, got bigger.

It wasn’t the first time that I made fun of myself nor was it the last.  As I got older, I found it increasingly easy to surround myself with others who stepped into the role of making me the joke.  It was both familiar and comfortable.

Sadly, I began to justify it.  They weren’t bullying me…I could walk away.  I was clumsy.  I was awkward.  I had a big smile.  I was….. I was my own worst enemy and didn’t know it.

Finding fault in one way led to fault and doubt in others.  I should accept being criticized because “I wasn’t that smart.”  I could understand a colleague speaking bad about me because, “they were entitled to their opinion.”  You get the idea.

But once I began to peel back layers, old events have taken on new meanings.  I no longer have a hole.  And even though it’s taken me awhile, I no longer compromise myself, make fun of myself, or find fault with myself to please.  Not to be accepted by friends. Not in a relationship.  And not in my career.

It’s funny how the process of becoming ourselves works.  I wish I had known all this earlier, but I didn’t.  I wish I could warn my children or those I teach about the risks of compromising themselves, but I can’t.  Not really.  All I can do is tell my stories.  And listen to theirs.  Maybe their layers will open faster than mine.  Maybe I can support them when they do.

But I can also look back at that 16 year old and smile.  She was pretty awesome!  And even though she didn’t know it then, I’m glad she does now.  I’m also damn proud of the woman she’s become.