Short and Sweet

I’m tired.

After one heck of a physically and emotionally draining week, I could feel it under the surface…I had a post in me just waiting to come out.  By the time I left work, battled traffic, went to the gym and made it home, I was numb.  The words had buried themselves deeper rather than coming to the surface.

I think about all of the wonderful women who I follow and who affirm the need for self-care.  I’m not sure I’ve cared for myself, but I’ve not felt pressure to take on anything else this weekend.  The numbness has faded but I’m left with the aftermath…and I’m still tired.

My body has also not been my best recuperative companion of late.  I want sleep and it says, “No!”.  At times it does so gently and at other times more harshly.  The end result is still the same.  This lady could use a few good 8 hour nights.

On the positive side, I made it to the gym 5 of the 6 days I wanted to workout last week.  Thursday night I felt a migraine coming on and by the time I made it home, I was sick to my stomach and all I wanted was sleep.  I’ve not lost any weight, but it will come.

As for the “thought it was a good idea” poetry goal…well, not so much.  I believe I wrote 2, may be 3.  As the stress built, the flow that I count on was strained and awkward.  Forcing a poem isn’t how I write.  I open and they flow.  Last week, not much flowed.  I was bound and gagged to a presentation I had to make on Friday.  Ten minutes of hell was my part and then it was this “white girl” on a panel with 5 “multicultural” faces.  I was defending my program’s right to make changes that are needed.  The rest, only wanted to tell me and everyone how it should be without touching the one 3-hour class.  So, I tried to paint the big picture…no one seemed to listen, at least it felt that way.  I’ve spent the weekend mostly numb.

So much for short and sweet.  I guess the words or the story was just waiting for me to give it an opening.

On my way to the gym on Friday, after I left work later than usual, and fought through our growing traffic nightmare, I considered all the reasons that I should go home and not to the gym.  Exhaustion.  Pets needed walking.  Food needed to be made.  It was SO easy for me to think that I shouldn’t.  Until I realized that it was my way of making myself pay.  I was unhappy with how I felt and instead of wanting to do something that I deeply wanted to do, I wanted to punish myself or martyr myself by denying myself.  Was that a real eye opener.  I went to the gym!

This week, I’m only promising the gym.  Planning on 6 days.  I have a busy week at work with an “inspection team” on campus the whole time.  They will need attention.  Days will be VERY long.  So no other pressure, just caring for myself through my workouts and eating well.  After all, its Valentine’s day…I should start with loving myself!