The Day the Shadows Became Real

Disclaimer: I do not know many people who will really understand this…

For a lot of people, the tragedy in Paris was a call for retaliation or a call for protection.  My reaction was a bit different.

When I first heard about the Paris attacks, I was in the middle of a seven hour drive and had stopped for dinner. I typically no longer listen to the news or regular radio so I read about the attacks several hours after they happened.  Initially, I was struck by intense grief and disbelief.  My heart hurt.  I didn’t understand.

I spent the rest of the trip somewhat numb.  Trying to soothe my aching heart.  Trying to make sense.  But as the night went on and the hours passed, I kept reminding myself that there are some things for which there is no sense to be made.

Allowing that to settle, helped me, calmed me.  It was OK for me not to understand!

The other words that flooded my memory were the words of a friend after the 9-11 attacks.  I spent days in fear and wanting to understand.  He told me, “A terrorist wants to change your behavior.  To impact your life.  If you let that happen, they win.”

OK.  So I’m not going to be afraid, but now what?  I asked the angels to help me.  I knew there was something more I needed to know.  And just like the opening of a window to a house filled with smoke, the wind rushed in and suddenly I could see and understand the shadows.  They became clear.  They became real.

I could not understand the terrible acts because I denied they existed.  I denied that evil is real.  I denied it in myself and in others.  By understanding the shadows in myself, I could also know that they exist in others.  Also because I had not wanted to see them in myself, I had expected everyone to act the way that I thought was appropriate for behavior.  Pretty positive.  Pretty one-sided.  ….actually, pretty controlling on my part and pretty naive.

When I was able to accept that both good and evil exist, in myself as well as others, it was also clear to me that the counter to aggression was not aggression (because what we resist, persists), but it was to counter it with acceptance, not approval, but acceptance that it exists.  And even to counter it with love.  Love for the victims, of course, but also love for those who carried out the acts.

I want to justify my belief in love by imagining that they were so lacking love and compassion that they were able to commit such acts.  But I do not really know that to be true.  It’s just what I feel and believe, may be because I wanted to.

In finally seeing the shadows, in others and in myself, I can also find the love and the ability to love, even when I don’t understand or things happen that are different from the way I think they should be.  We are all one.  Finally seeing the shadows and loving them helped me understand that.