Uncertainty

I’m half way through my summer and it’s not exactly turning out the way that I thought it would.  Ahhh, what happened to the summer of my dreams? This summer, I dreamed of time that I would spend in introspection.  Time spent reading, meditating, exercising, writing, and relaxing.  Time that I would just be easy on myself and see what unfolded.  Time that I would make myself a priority and put my dreams into perspective…and try to discover what they really might be.

Well, here’s what’s happened.  So far, it hasn’t been the restful awakening I was hoping for.

The first half of the summer was spent traveling…mostly for work…so it was spent wrapping up things that have come to an end, like the grants I had the past 3 years and the associated speaking commitments.  The next half of the summer will be spent working on projects and reports for work that will be due in late August.  The work demands over the next 6 weeks will be intense and in a strange way it frightens me. It frightens me because if I’m not careful, the tasks will, as they have in the past, mindlessly consume me and I will lose any and all sense of the self awareness that I’m searching for.

Today, in the midst of the middle, I’m facing uncertainty.  The uncertainty that comes from questioning and not finding answers and the uncertainty that comes from going easy on myself because I don’t know.   It’s not the way I saw my summer happening.  I thought that after a short time it would all become clear and I’d have the answers to all of my questions and magically know my next steps, my direction, my purpose in life.  Well, purpose hasn’t called yet.  So I’m at a place where the uncertainty is making me uneasy.  I mean, shouldn’t I know by now?  May be not.

I have to admit, that I have some thoughts that are scaring me more than not knowing.  Some ideas that sound exciting and intriguing and will take me very far from the reality I know.  If that’s how I find my purpose, will it be because I am running away from my known world?  Or have I just been blindly following someone else’s dreams? I don’t know.

So for now, I’m in a state of unknown.  I’m going to try to be comfortable with my uncertainty…and may be even learn something by living with it for awhile.